Comments : Hover

  • 14 years ago

    by The Prince

    I think the way the poem starts physically then shifts almost suddenly to a wider image is disquieting. Why focus on a moment then disregard it? If you take away the first stanza then the poem isn't really weaker.

    'Thinking straight isn't an option
    when your hands caress my body
    and your tongue explores my mouth.
    You pull me closer
    and then I'm

    -f
    --a
    ---l
    ----l
    -----i
    ------n
    -------g.'

    That 'falling' bit has been done too many times on this site now, I can't see it as inventive anymore. 'Falling' is a weak word anyway, and no matter what you do with it, it's always going to be that way.

    I have to say this is a better write from you, though I think it can be improved a bit. You could make the transitions more graceful for a start.

    'Into something I don't recognize.
    A feeling that seems to

    hover

    directly over the line
    between love and lust.'

    Was good, this was really strong and conveyed the narrator's feelings well wheras this:

    'to taste foods and try activities
    I would never have gone near

    Before you.'

    Is awkwardly phrased. The first line there does not fit with the poem very well, since the object of this poem is desire (well that's what I got from it), then if that's so, then you could be more precise and say what the activities were? Otherwise it's just telling.

    What's a better word 'tempting' or 'reckless', or find a better one? You don't need both, it's too overstating.

    The ending is weak because it's too sudden and it feels too much like an ending, poems are good where they fade off and leave the reader wondering what's happening after.

  • 14 years ago

    by Nee

    Danny took the words right out of my tongue lol.
    This poem started really..I mean really good !
    But it just lost it at the end. and I, too found those lines very awkward :
    "'to taste foods and try activities
    I would never have gone near"
    and the word "falling" too seemed a bit cliche.

    I'm not gonna say much since the words have been already said above.
    However, you did such a good job with the opening.
    Write on~