Sugar Ration

I thiink this is the onne you were telling me about love? but i like what you've done with it xD its awesome =D kinda obscure, but that makes it even moree awesome ilylaphlp

Thanks a lot, Temps! (:
I meant to fix the dash thing before I posted.
I had written it in word, and was doing a lot of copying/pasting. The dashes ended up there accidentally. :P Haha.

And I agree with you completely about recheck sounding awkward. I considered reconsider.. but it didn't seem the right fit. I'll reconsider. ;P

OOPS - I meant to say. Put your two dashes '--' after savor.

'Your smiles are rare, something to savor
--comparable to rationing sugar
in the belly of world war.'
`Loved your beginning here, it was rather unexpected and unique. I did not expect to hear that a smile was comparable to something so random.. like sugar.. but I can see where you would get that, how someones smile is beautiful and sweet.. hence the usage of sugar. I dont think the '--' is needed before comparable, I dont see the point of having it there.. although it does make a nice pause in the action of your writing, put it after comparable. It works better.

'I'm hidden away safely.
Ankle deep in sugar,
and up to my eyes
in smiles.'
`Although sugar and smiles is being repetitive here, I really loved what you said, it was really unique and interesting to read and far from any cliche phrasing.

'Convinced you've expired,
you've made yourself an easy target.'
`Convinced you're expired - wow. I have never heard of expired used in that way, I really loved that.

'Why don't you recheck the date?'
`I wasnt much of a fan of 'recheck' here, I think a different word would sound better. It just seemed like an awkward word. Reconsider? - would that work?

Interesting beginning and you only built on that idea throughout your entire poem. You held my attention from beginning to end. I think that means youve written a great piece.. and you have. :]

5/5.