Comments : Twisted

  • 7 years ago

    by Courageous Dreamer

    "I can hear them screaming
    just gnawing at my existence..."
    `Powerful opening... 'just gnawing at my existence' - this was amazing.. so original and caught my eye .. I loved this! Very well done dear, I was impressed to read such a powerful few lines to begin your poem.

    'I feel them beneath weary skin
    Crawling...
    Walking upon dark concrete
    like ghouls
    creeping into nightmares.'
    `Such darkness youve painted with your words.. wow. I like how you used creeping and crawling cause they go together but in different lines.. good job with the simile as well.

    'Why? Why do you pull at me.'
    `Period after me should be a question mark.

    'Wasted blood mixed with
    tarnished flesh and mangled bones.
    `Because you put 'A sorry excuse' between I'm barely human myself and this.. it kind of made me a little confused, but other than that you did a wonderful job.. this was awful dark and creepy.

    Unique write, I loved how you took the quote and made a very interesting write out of it. Good usage of dialogue as well.

    This poem was definatly twisted.. well done!

    5/5.

  • 7 years ago

    by Dying on the inside

    Wow.this poem is like one of those scary movies i was just watching a few days ago.

    this whole poem is really amazing. it realy is :)

  • 7 years ago

    by Black fox

    This is a well constucted poem i like how you portraited the character within the poem the desent into madness i though was very clever the arguing between the voices in your head was genus

    the structure is well bulit its all very close to the same size in each paragraph wich makes it look very tidy

    the wording is very good very descriptive the imagry is perfect you can really picture it in your mind as you read it

    5th paragraph should have a full stop at the end of it

    overall a very well written poem

    well done

  • 7 years ago

    by Randy East

    So you wrote this because you were given a title called " I found my friends, they're in my head"

    lol, I love it. 5/5

  • 7 years ago

    by Michael D Nalley

    This free verse dark poem captured my attention from start to finish with its dark imagery. Writing it in the first person made it seem more real and personal metaphorically

  • 7 years ago

    by No Need For A Name

    This is very overdramatic. The emotion is all over the place, as well as the story and the flow. You try way to hard to be dark, and it just comes off cheesy and amatuere. Not a good poem. I honestly can't find something I liked about it. Sorry.

    Peace and prosperity,

    (RKD)

  • 7 years ago

    by Hallo A Lilium

    I can relate to bits and pieces of this poem. We all can lapse into never ending cycles. Are personalities differ but the outcome can often enough be the same for many. The pain inside someone's mind causes misery for all of those who are around. When a sufferer gets around a content person. Their bond forms into a translucent combination of comparisons and likeness. It's never just their problem alone. When a lonely person has hatred towards other people with relations. They could possibly make them feel
    guilty. It's a non changing re occurrence. It's the way of life. Every human being feels pain and heartache. But sometimes if you delve deeper. They disembark into other worlds. And create alternate personalities and invisible people. The friend's in their heads seem very real to them. And perhaps are real in a manner of speaking. If the voices are able to be heard. Then obviously they have some significance. I can relate to having to suffer and experience other's who speak to someone whose not visible to the eye. Whenever you get mentally unstable the mind shuts down it's normal processing. The person's alternate self is a envision of either something they want to be or something they dread of ever becoming. This piece speaks of a major illness. Though there is more than one. I'd have liked to see a formative figurlurative name for the cause of the voices. It would have been more informative.
    I've noticed the wiser a poems reference is the more detailed comments it will get ensued. I quite liked the comma's and exclamation points and the awkwardness of the writing. It feels like the illness speaks through frantic punctuations. I found this piece very interesting. Overall it is a must read work.
    Excellent job.

    5/5

    -Lilium

  • 7 years ago

    by Ray Smallshaw

    Nik,
    I found this poem a bit disjointed and not an easy read unlike your previous poems. Perhaps because I am not a great lover of dark poems. Being an optimist and I love the good in this wonderful world I inhabit and there is good if you look around, sad the bad is what gets the headlines.
    Yes it has a lot of merit as poems go the flow though shoots off a tangents, but comes together at the end, though I did have to read more than thrice, it grew on me.

    I can hear them screaming
    just gnawing at my existence...
    Wanting to get out
    and breathe.
    Not knowing that death
    is too close to life.

    Can't get my head around this hear what screaming or gnawing?
    Vampires, Ghouls or friends?

    I feel them beneath weary skin
    Crawling...
    Walking upon dark concrete
    like ghouls
    creeping into nightmare

    Again who?

    I broke one of my cardinal rules I looked at other peoples comments before I wrote my own comments to see if they had an explanation or idea and I do agree with Temps it is a dark,creepy and twisted poem
    I definitely do not agree with No need for a name this is a serious poem full of merit as all I have read are.
    Yes you do need a full stop at the end of the fifth stanza.
    Lilium's response nailed it.
    But it did take me a long time to appreciate this poem, contrived came to mind and chasing a title well poetry should be your own written idea I hate competition, though if you are desperate to see if people in the know appreciate your poetry this is the easiest way, 5/5 Ray

  • 7 years ago

    by Corruption

    Great poem
    very dark, i like that :)
    that sick sadistic story line was
    truly appealing
    and the wording made the story
    more along quite well

    this part was my favourite made me smile this kind of sick horrid grin type thing
    "I can't save you
    I'm barely human myself.
    A sorry excuse of
    wasted blood mixed with
    tarnished flesh and mangled bones."
    i love the way you described how you were not human

    Great piece

  • 7 years ago

    by Levi

    Very interesting piece, i liked it alot.. Had a very dark insane vibe.. Well written.. :) i like bloody poems lol so theres and extra point :P

  • 7 years ago

    by Reaper

    Scared me!!!!.awsome poem!.loved it!!!. i love u!

  • 7 years ago

    by guy named Guy

    Uhmm to be honest.. words come short on how to comment this.. so i hope this will do.. i really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really eally really really really really really really LOVE THIS POEM.. it literally sent chills down my spine.. totally wicked work.. * acts like a child in a candy store* DO MORE!!! DO MORE!!! DO MORE!!! DO MORE!!! DO MORE!!!

  • 7 years ago

    by Not Enough

    Wow, this is an amazing poem. The imagery is wild. The words you use is perfect for a poem like this. I like how you don't rhyme at all, because sometimes it can mess up the flow. And your flow is perfect. Certain things you said just add something to it, but I can't figure out what. Lines like "Tears so cold they freeze upon falling" The imagery there is amazing, and it adds a lot of emotion to the poem. The line "as it trickles down my throat" has great imagery too. You really have a way with words. Excellent.

    Soda E>.

  • 7 years ago

    by TJ Arizona Eagle

    What a talent you have for the dark side. This was a chilling read well done

  • "I can hear them screaming
    just gnawing at my existence...
    Wanting to get out
    and breathe.
    Not knowing that death
    is too close to life."

    I love this opening, it just flows and fixes together so perfectly I love it!

    It was a nice idea for a poem, slightly concerned what inspired you hehe but really well written. Keep up the good work =]

    Shaun

  • 7 years ago

    by Exostosis

    This was something different.....and totally awesome as well.....im speechless like always..
    very good theme and superb composition..
    keep up the good job buddy ^^,

  • 7 years ago

    by Hollow Emotion

    It was definetly different, not bad, just different, and yea, you picked a great title for it, because it is definetly twisted. To me it kinda sounded like you were writing a short story or something, but maybe thats just because im not used to reading this type of poem. it was really good, you used great description words and the reader can really get into this one! Awesome job

  • 7 years ago

    by Poet on the Piano

    "I can hear them screaming
    just gnawing at my existence...
    Wanting to get out
    and breathe.
    Not knowing that death
    is too close to life."

    This was a powerful opening that grabbed the reader and pulled them in. Your word usage was great too, it kept me captivated. You describe so much here and have me reading on.

    "I feel them beneath weary skin
    Crawling...
    Walking upon dark concrete
    like ghouls
    creeping into nightmares."

    The style you wrote in had a nice touch, and this was a unique stanza. I can seriously imagine all of this and it sends chills down my spine, nice work.

    "Why? Why do you pull at me?
    I can't save you
    I'm barely human myself.
    A sorry excuse of
    wasted blood mixed with
    tarnished flesh and mangled bones."

    I loved this, the two questions at the first line were really good. And the whole concept was dark and entrancing. You have much talent and it shined through each line.

    ""You need us"
    They repeat while I cry
    Tears so cold they freeze upon falling
    I stand over this body
    Blood claiming my shaky hands
    "I...I didn't mean to"
    "Look at what you made me do!"
    They just laugh at me..."

    This was a very creepy stanza, but you make the scene come alive to the reader.

    "Satisfied with the kill
    They drift off to sleep
    leaving me alone with my conscience
    "Now look at what you've done"
    SHUT UP!!!!!!
    "Were you hungry again?"
    I break down at her words."

    Well-expressed feelings and emotions, you describe all that is happening and what your thoughts are very well here.

    "I..I killed again..ate again
    I can still taste the blood
    as it trickles down my throat
    I can feel the skin and meat
    tangled in my teeth.
    Monster...I am a monster."

    I like the usage of the periods, it has a nice touch. This is a very twisted write, you create such dark pieces, I love them!

    "I am alone now
    "No" they say at once
    I smile knowing
    I haven't let them down
    I found my friends
    They're in my head."

    Wow, this was a powerful and deep ending. 5/5 from me, a true masterpiece.

    Take care and God Bless You!

    ~MaryAnne

  • 7 years ago

    by x3 TinyDancer3000 x3

    Wow! I'm speechless! So dark and real! If I could, I'd give this piece over a 5!! Amazing work!!

  • 7 years ago

    by Fsams

    A very good poem with a great flow and good use of poetic lexis.
    Full ratings for this superb piece :)

    Love,
    Fsams