Comments : Caramelized Skin

  • 14 years ago

    by Courageous Dreamer

    'Disguised, I hide myself deep inside my tough crunchy skin.'
    `I dont think you need 'myself' .. we already know youre talking about yourself with 'I' but nonetheless a great beginning.. I like how theres a double meaning to this poem, Ive never seen a poem quite like this. While youre describing an onion, it also relates to you personally.

    'Silverlized rings embrace my body, telling a story for all to see. '
    `Silverlized - did you mean Silverized? Maybe thats actually a word, but I wasnt sure. Loved your words here, how you have layers and they tell a story of who you are.

    'Peel my outer sun-burned layers off and reveal my inner lightened skin.'
    `Loved this, such strong words.. and great usage of word choice. The outside is what we see.. but if we were to look inside we see the real person. I must agree you are a very 'lightened' person.. in many aspects, very smart and also sweet and always happy and upbeat.

    'Rub oils upon my surface till my skin absorbs it, then bast me in the heat once again.'
    `I wasnt sure about the word bast here.. are you sure you didnt mean bask?

    'What am I?'
    `This line is so powerful, it makes the reader stop and think what the object is you are describing, and then also meaning Who are you really?

    'Eat me raw, or eat me cooked, either way I'm bitter-sweet.'
    `I think 'bitter-sweet' goes a long way when used.. loved how it was used here.. well done Joe.

    'I'll make you cry, I'll make you smile, it's your choice all the while.'
    `I really loved the direction of this piece, the double meaning thing.. Its really unique and interesting. Soo true - onions do indeed make you cry, and sure they can make you smile haha.. and for a person you will always make others cry and smile.. your words fit both meanings perfectly.

    'I'm hard, but bruise easily.'
    `Didnt really like 'hard' here.. could you just say 'tough' Its up to you though, your poem.. not mine.

    'Layer by layer you can peel me away to nothing. My core is the heart, which gives me life, my core is the seed, which will reproduce.'
    `Awesome closing here.. if the reader had not discovered that you are talking about yourself personally as well, this was the part of hte poem that gave it away.. awesome job.. I'm impressed.. what a unique piece.

    'What am I?
    What am I?

    Disguised no longer, I revealed my inner self.'
    `Loved the repetition of What am I? Thats the one question that the reader is trying to figure out throughout the poem and it holds a lot of meaning and makes the reader think. Last line... perfect!

    I am going to nominate this, it was one of the most unique writes I've read in a while. I fell in love with the double meaning of this piece, I hope to see you try this again.. brilliant idea!

    Well done!
    5/5.

  • 14 years ago

    by Lady Nik

    Eat me raw, or eat me cooked, either way I'm bitter-sweet. I'll make you cry, I'll make you smile,

    *That was my favorite part. This was such an awesome poem Joe. Your ideas are so new and fresh. I loved it. I thought the imagery you used was very clever and intresting as well. Very creative piece here ^.^ Keep it up. Nik*

  • 14 years ago

    by Daisy if you do

    Well, Perhaps I am just weird. I really thought you were talking about an onion. Everything was there and I guess I just took it for face value. Very nice poem and people are a lot like onions, with every layer we peel and get deeper into the core we find out the purity of it.
    Great write.
    Take Care,
    Kay