Comments : Into The Unknown.

  • 8 years ago

    by Poet on the Piano

    "A pallid rose"

    I loved how you opened this piece, good imagery.

    "with edges outlined
    charcoal black
    accentuates burned
    hope"

    I love your usage of words, they created so many emotions/feelings and images. That word "accentuates" is perfectly used here, it sounds beautiful when read.

    "--shaped by
    expired dreams."

    First, I would like to say I thought it was great how instead of saying "created by" or "made by" you said "shaped by". I don't hear that often.

    And then, "expired dreams" just blew me away...Flawless, wouldn't change a thing.

    "Unspoken secrets
    entwine in spiral
    formation; sealed
    beneath the heart's
    core--emotions
    camouflaged."

    Well-explained Temps, great verbs that makes this poem so fresh to read. You get the reader into your thoughts and feelings.

    "Twirling it's fragile
    stem betwixt
    trembling fingertips;"

    I love how you describe everything like "trembling" for fingertips, but you do not go overboard with the adjectives. I never have heard "betwixt" before, I liked how it sounded when read, different and mysterious.

    "it's shadow appears
    below, atop
    translucent
    waters."

    Great work, not my favorite, since "appears" is so common but it was still good.

    "An effortless toss,
    and it's set afloat
    into the unknown;"

    This was striking to the read, "into the unknown" just amazed the reader and kind of stunned them for a second.

    "swimming freely--
    while shifted by
    rapid currents of
    a waterfall."

    Loved the ending, this is my all time favorite style of writing, free verse the way you do it. It makes the poem so easy and flowing to read and really adds a nice touch.

    This was brilliant Temps, even beyond that, your poems just keep getting more professional, but then again you were already that a long time ago! I love reading your poetry and watching your poems grow more in-depth and powerful. So congrats on this piece, never get rid of it, its a gem.

    5/5 from me, God bless you!

    ~MaryAnne

  • 8 years ago

    by Sylvia

    Temps, to me this is one of the best poems you have written. So full of meaning and emotions, flows well, reads well. I have said it before, you are growing with each poem you write. Well done.

  • 8 years ago

    by Ingrid de Klerck

    I agree with all comments above: you are really growing with each poem you write, Temps.

    This one was really sad, but those emotions need to be let out too and you did it splendidly:)

    An effortless toss,
    and it's set afloat
    into the unknown;
    swimming freely--
    while shifted by
    rapid currents of
    a waterfall.

    ^^
    I know exactly what you mean with these words and how scary it feels.

    Good work, girl:)

    *hugs*

    5/5 ingrid

  • A pallid rose
    with edges outlined
    charcoal black
    accentuates burned
    hope--shaped by
    expired dreams.

    It's sounds like a pretty piece of artwork. I really admire the creativity in this stanza.

    --

    That was pretty. I like how it ended. It had emotion in it and the words you used were great, especially betwixt...That is just a cool word, I'll have to use that sometime.

    Great job. 5/5 It kept my attention and the imagery was perfect.

  • 8 years ago

    by Ingrid de Klerck

    WTG Temps!

    Well deserved, girlie:)

    *hugs*

    Ingrid

  • 8 years ago

    by Poet on the Piano

    Congrats on the win Temps, how exciting! Very well deserved, have a great week!

    ~MaryAnne

  • 8 years ago

    by Cindy

    Congrats on your win :)
    Take care
    Cindy

  • 8 years ago

    by Lady Nik

    My my Temps...what a wonderful job you did with this poem. I loved it..it's flawless. Congrats on the win hun. I know you have many more coming your way.

  • 8 years ago

    by Finding myself

    I loved the finished product of this poem. Really amazing. Congrats on ur win. Well deserved :)

  • 8 years ago

    by Kaila

    Wow this poem was amazing! I mean you made something that if you were to watch may only take a few seconds into something so thought provoking and magical! It was simple which was a nice change in pace. Awesome job. 5/5

  • 8 years ago

    by Lu

    Wow I can not believe I didn't comment this piece earlier. I remember reading it many, many times and loved it.

    Unspoken secrets
    entwine in spiral
    formation; sealed
    beneath the heart's
    core--emotions
    camouflaged.
    ^^^
    This was my favorite part. I love the uniqueness of this --->
    " Unspoken secrets
    entwine in spiral
    formation "
    Gives the reader a very strong image!

    I love how you draw me (the reader) in with such fresh unique lines
    " Twirling its fragile
    stem betwixt
    trembling fingertips; "

    Words placed so perfectly !

    I loved this write Temps ! It captures your attention and holds it from beginning to end.

    A little late but .... congrats on the win. Very deserving !

  • 7 years ago

    by PinkyPrincess

    Congrats again! I love this one as well... You've expressed your emotions so well and this structure and the flow of the poem was simply perfect! Wonderful job :)

  • 7 years ago

    by PinkyPrincess

    Congrats again! I love this one as well... You've expressed your emotions so well and this structure and the flow of the poem was simply perfect! Wonderful job :)

  • 7 years ago

    by victoria

    I loved how vivid it was. so well written. Amazing talent you have, keep it up.

    victoria

  • 7 years ago

    by Pink Butterfly

    Wow!!! This is indeed a great piece!!!! Fabulously written... It cascade to the deepest emotions. Very meaningful...Good job!!! God bless you!!!!

    -Pink Butterfly-

  • 6 years ago

    by Brix Ambray

    Meaningful,well written

  • 4 years ago

    by AngelDust

    The second last stanza is my fav. No wonder you win with this one. It's different and in no way cliche. It's sad in a twisted kind of way with a very dark era. It delves really deep and gets to the core. Excellent write again.

    Danika.