MaryAnne,

Usually I don't like dark poetry much, but from your hand I welcome all. You have such a rare gift, dear girl:)
This was unique and so very beautiful..

My mind-
-injected with
a broadening
venom-
foresees death.

^^
These words really got to me for a personal reason: a few months before a person dies I am able to see it. I see a black cloud around the person and as the day draws nearer I feel the tension building up, because it usually is a struggle to pass the threshold and then I feel the emptiness and know he or she has left. The few times I have actually seen the empty shell we leave behind I felt the power of our Lord so strongly and also how little the body really means to our eternal soul, it is just a vessel..no more, no less.

Good job girlie:)

*hugs*

5/5 Ingrid

This was totally different from anything youve previously written. You truly stepped out of your comfort zone and did another free verse but then used the short lined stanzas as your format. I think that was the best way to go, your poem flowed flawlessly. A great poem expressing feelings in a original way. I am impressed with this piece, and you should be too! Well done.

Absolutely loved the way you formatted the poem..U should read my poem Haunted By Self

This poem has a structure I've never seen before... Guess this is collab than :)
I'll critic this unique piece as a reader, as I don't know much about this kind of poems.

The first stanza presented a solid start, it all starts with choked up emotions.
The second stanza are about memory confusion... After the emotions are choked, the mind is starting to be confused.
Then, your thoughts are controlled by a sin, you are no longer confused but consumed by pride.
Because of that sin, your mind is than injected with venom foretelling the coming of death,
Last to remain is the soul, that combines the emotions and thoughts. As the both of them curropted, the soul is no longer intact. Thus finally, such a vicious minf belongs to serve the devils will.

Very impressive way of showing the slow decay of a human body and soul. Very well done 5/5

My bad, this is not a collab, but still a unique structure. Enjoyed reading this piece very much :)

Fantastic format, deep powerful meaning.
How each stanza was able to stand alone and still flow equally well put together.
You're a talented poet. Now on my favorites
Keep up the great work

Great piece you have penned. Loved the imagery and word choices.
Excellent!
Take care
Cindy

I liked the vocabulary a lot here. It worked really well and you definitly know your words. The one thing that was a little off for me was the first two lines in each stanza. The emotion was there it just seemed a bit repetitive.

Wow-this is fantastic-very dark, deep and i love the stle-although you use it quite often. i dont thik i can fault this poem actually-i cant even provide CONSTRUCTIVE criticism.....

all ima say is that i love it and that ima give it a definate 5 =)

sorry i couldnt say more haha.

aish
xx

I liked the parts of your verses that can be removed from your poem. These little add-in's allowed the reader a deeper insight to the one seeking death. To me this was I great poem in progress. I say this becaues it's still seems that it has a long eat to go before it's finished and then it will be amazing.

By long way to go I mean details. And some detail, make it longer. ( Jazz it up a bit that's all.

Wow wow wow ur good