Comments : And so She Dies Alone

  • 14 years ago

    by Jessica

    This had a very dark and gloomy feel to it, and from the very first line it drew me in. Well written and I really enjoyed it. I like your detailed description of the girl, I think it made the poem that much more realistic. 5/5

  • 14 years ago

    by Courageous Dreamer

    'Left in an aphonic room is a soft beating,
    as a fervent heart loses blood as life's fleeting.
    Struggling for air, the pain begins to worsen.
    Why would someone do this to another person?'
    `Second line - maybe try... 'as life fleets' .. I think that may work better? I could be wrong. I think that these lines are pretty cliche...but I think it was a release of feeling.

    'a soul tires to endure the unbearable feeling'
    `Tries not tires

    'An aching groan escapes her lips, so perfect and pink.'
    `Perfect and pink a good alliteration.

    'Crawling for the hallway; now reaching for the phone,
    she just can't reach it and so she dies alone.'
    `A very sad ending.

    I think your beginning was pretty cliche, but as I continued to read I thought that the idea of the poem was well done and you followed through really nice with it.