Comatose (Zanila Rhyme)

I figured I would comment on this sense nobody else is joining my contest. :)

'Entwined - battered black steel, shattered glass,'
`You have a unique way of writing, you still get the point across that these two objects are entwined, but you phrase it different then most people would. I liked that. This line was really interesting.. how the two are entwined, they are mixed together, I'm guessing something bad happened, resulting in the steel and shattered glass.

'Over grown with fog and putrid bog
suffocating all that's bright and light.'
`Loved the usage of suffocating, at first I couldn't really see that image, but suffocating itself has a big effect and I can see how thick this fog is, suffocating brings forth an image in my mind that is very vivid.

'exemplifying the site:'
`Loved exemplifying, very good word choice.

'putrid bog and over grown with fog,'
`You did a brilliant job at this line, the one that needed to have an internal rhyme and then be reversed for the even stanza. It makes just as much sense written in reverse.

'Reaching a bitter end, an impasse'
`Impasse -I dont think Ive ever really even heard that word, lol.. thanks for teaching me something new. :)

'lies the primitive burial sites.'
`Loved the dark images throughout and the ending toped it all off nicely.

A great great job. You are the master of this form, you did a brilliant job. It looked difficult, but you managed to pull it off very nicely. Well done!

Good job on the form, Joe, though your consistent use of polysylabbics makes this piece lack communication and direction. I'm not going to pick it apart but I've noticed this in your recent writes that you're trying too hard and as a result, your narration is suffering. You're using too much high frequency lexis, and unrealising that sometimes it becomes clumsy. Not your best piece by far, I didn't think it had significant direction, nor any beginning, middle, or end. With this form, too, that relies on syllable count, why fill it up with words that don't really add anything?
Exemplifying - 5 syllables, yet seems out of place, do you see what I mean?

'suffocating all that's bright and light.'

This doesn't really make much sense either. Try to read over your poems with a different eye, something that makes sense to you might make no sense to someone else. Try to refrain from the overuse of these big words, focus on your communication, which is your weakest aspect, and probably the weakest aspect of most amateur poets like all of us on this site.

Aamazing poem
N thanx for the tip
I never heard of this form before

Oh I LOVE this!
First of all, thank you for introducing this beautiful form, honestly I haven't heard of it before.

Well done with the rhyme, it was so beautiful and flowed spontaneously and intelligently!

I loved this Joe :) Thank you for sharing.
Write on~

Wow Joe.....what a form.....confussing to me :)
You did a excellent job mastering it. Very deep dark and intense. Great imagery and word choices. I got chills when reading parts of your piece.
take care
Cindy