Comments : Breathing

  • 14 years ago

    by Lady Nik

    Drifting into the expansiveness
    of the moments when you once
    believed in me that; behind the

    *I would fix the way you worded this. The "that" at the end of the first part kinda messed up the flow.*

    yawning distance lies a scenic

    *"yawning distance"..never seen that before. I like it :) *

    boulevard--set before a long
    dormant heart...

    Smiles flitted among branches
    of yesterday's memories-- artful
    endearments in avowals of unspoken

    *Whoa!! Killer diction here. I don't think I've ever seen the word "avowals" before. Great touch to the poem.*

    love...nothing more beauteous
    then you are to me..

    Bereft of sleep, I compelled a smile
    but...devoid of its stormy charms...
    while you stood unblinking...trying
    hard to conceal the raising tears
    ---It must have been the afterimage
    of a tormenting night---

    *Flawless stanza. I really enjoyed the way you wrote this. I feel like a distant person just watching the events go by. You write so clearly here :) *

    Today, I passed you on my journey
    down memory lane... I stayed a little

    *Hmm I didn't like the way you worded that. It seems like it's been used before or said before. Maybe "I passed you wandering down lanes in my memory" or something like that. You used really original lines throughout the poem, I feel like this could have been better said*

    while just to hear you breathing...
    enough to carry out my purpose
    -although, these scars will leave a trace-

    *Awww sad ending. Reminds me of something I would say. I liked this alot. It's so emotional but such an easy poem to relate to. Beautiful words hun. :) You got my vote. Nik*

  • 14 years ago

    by Sylvia

    I have been trying to find words that will express the beauty of your words. I have read Breathing numerous times and am still digesting each word. I think it is one the best poems that I have read in quite some time.

    Verse 1 Line 3 Should the ; be after me rather than that - believe in me; that behind the

    Verse 3 Line 3 hard to conceal the raising tears (should this read hard to conceal the rising tears)

  • 14 years ago

    by TJ Arizona Eagle

    This was a magnificent piece of poetry. There isn't much I can say expect breathtaking. I would give you more then 5 if it was possible.
    Impressive

  • 14 years ago

    by Sylvia

    Congratulaions on the win. Well deserved.

  • 14 years ago

    by Lu

    Congrats on your front page win Myryn, very deserving hun.

    Today, I passed you on my journey
    down memory lane... I stayed a little
    while just to hear you breathing...
    enough to carry out my purpose
    -although, these scars will leave a trace-
    ^^^
    Loved this ending ....

    Such a unique write, loved your word usage.

    Excellent read, you rock girly !!!!

  • 14 years ago

    by HOLLY ARMER

    "Smiles flitted among branches
    of yesterday's memories-- artful"

    Beautiful imagery...I love these lines!

    "Bereft of sleep, I compelled a smile
    but...devoid of its stormy charms...
    while you stood unblinking...trying
    hard to conceal the raising tears
    ---It must have been the afterimage
    of a tormenting night---"

    This entire stanza is filled with such raw emotion...breathtaking.
    "devoid of it's stormy charms..."
    That part really stands out to me.

    Well done!!! It's poetry like this that really makes me miss writing. Thanks for sharing....

  • 14 years ago

    by damont

    Excellent poem excellent writing wonder why you won lolz. im curios though who you talking bout lolz

  • 14 years ago

    by Seth Rowley

    Good poem that's crazy you all write big words and I write small words check out some of my poetry would you

  • 14 years ago

    by Ray Smallshaw

    Only the second of your poems I have left and both left me breathless in wonder and making me feel humble that one so good is actually on the site I use. Amazing I stand in awe and can't wait to read all you have to offer Ray S 5/5

  • 14 years ago

    by P00ki3B3ar

    What a breathless Poem these are the kind of poems that steal my heart I love it 5/5

  • 14 years ago

    by ilikepurple222

    I love this so much. it's funny because my last poem was about scars. i would love it if you could read mine. although my deatails aren't as beautiful as yours.

  • 13 years ago

    by Aureus Argentum

    This is so beautiful, yet sad. I love it! <3