It Starts Again

I thought I had surpassed it,
I thought I wouldn't do it again.
How wrong I was,
For now I am feeling the pain.

I honestly can't explain.
I honestly don't know why I do it.
All I can say is it feels great.
For once it's something that I permit.

I do not cut,
I do not hack,
I use my nails.
And blame the anxiety attack.

I know it's my fault,
I know what I deserve.
I punish myself,
Because only I have the nerve.

I control the pain,
I control the hurt.
I control just one thing,
But I can still see the pervert.

He haunts my dreams and my thoughts.