Robins are Laughing

by Corinne   Sep 27, 2009


You don't see many grasshoppers
Around here, but there's one nearby
And just this morning
I dreamt a praying mantis
Came in my bedroom window

Perhaps I need divine intervention
Of an insect kind

Robins are laughing
In the autumn morning sunlight
As they gambol
From tree to bush and back again

A gust of wind
Blows crackly yellowed leaves
In my direction
And the pussywillows
Wands of benediction
Bless birds and berries
And hopefully, me

When I die
I hope I will know peace
And that the gates of heaven
Will look like the entrance
To my beloved woods
Or these gardens

2


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Latest Comments

  • 8 years ago

    by Lonely Rider

    Robins are laughing
    In the autumn morning sunlight
    As they gambol
    From tree to bush and back again

    ^^ just loved the imagery of Robins flying from tree to bushes... beautifully penned

    And that the gates of heaven
    Will look like the entrance
    To my beloved woods
    Or these gardens

    ^^ the gates of heaven would certainly look like the beauty you have described with your words...

    lovely write :)

  • 8 years ago

    by Poet on the Piano

    I would highly suggest puntuation besides the comma's in this piece, it would add to it a lot. Also, you do not need to capitalize the first word in every line unless it is the beginning of a new sentence. This is would it could look like:

    "You don't see many grasshoppers
    around here, but there's one nearby
    and just this morning
    I dreamt a praying mantis
    came in my bedroom window."

    Whatever you are comfortable with, I was just recently offered this suggestion on my poems and I saw the sense in it. Just my view though.

    Now to the poem itself:

    "You don't see many grasshoppers
    Around here, but there's one nearby
    And just this morning
    I dreamt a praying mantis
    Came in my bedroom window"

    This was a pretty good opening but I just felt it could be stronger, the wording and feeling. Something like this is what I would have thought was really really good:

    "Not many grasshoppers appear
    to the eye, invisible is their only wish.
    Yet this hazy morning I dreamt
    a praying mantis came prancing
    gaily into my bedroom."

    Do you see the difference? Its more descriptive. This was good, plain and a bit bland, nothing extraordinary but still good.

    "Perhaps I need divine intervention
    Of an insect kind"

    Now this is where I started getting impressed, I had to smile at this one, nice work!

    "Robins are laughing
    In the autumn morning sunlight
    As they gambol
    From tree to bush and back again"

    I liked this, it was refreshing to read but not overly done.

    "A gust of wind
    Blows crackly yellowed leaves"

    Didn't quite like the way the second line sounded, maybe change to this:

    "Blows crimped yellow leaves"

    Or "chapped yellow leaves".

    I think it reads and sounds a bit better.

    "In my direction
    And the pussywillows
    Wands of benediction
    Bless birds and berries
    And hopefully, me"

    This is where punctuation would come in handy!

    I really liked these lines though, haven't heard of "pussywillows" and "wands of benediction" was really well-done. I like how you add "and hopefully, me", that added a cute and sweet sense to this poem.

    "When I die
    I hope I will know peace
    And that the gates of heaven
    Will look like the entrance
    To my beloved woods
    Or these gardens"

    Everything great, except the "or these gardens", it didn't seem fitting for the big finale!

    Maybe this?

    "To my beloved woods;
    My welcoming gardens."

    Overall, 4/5 from me, I personally think a bit of work could be done, I hope I helped you with my suggestions.

    God bless you and take care!

    ~MaryAnne

  • 8 years ago

    by Dixiedaisy

    Corinne,
    Very nice. I enjoyed the aspirations and wishes felt throughout. Very much a nature/life poem. Those beautiful woods are where your heart and soul lie, so why not the remnants of the body. Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful!