Comments : Live your life with arms wide open

  • 8 years ago

    by Ray Smallshaw

    I read your poem four times before I could get the gist of your flow, I must admit I found it very hard going. Your meter seemed to be out of beat in several places and the flow was broken by me having to re-read several times several lines in most stanzas of the poem. I enjoyed it through perseverance but I think you will find a lot of readers will give up on it. In reality most people prefer the dream as darkness is not what we want we want nice? So why embrace the unknown when all around us we have enough problems coping with life's wiles. A good poem which got me thinking but needs a lot of fine tuning I think? 4/5 Ray S

  • 8 years ago

    by Ray Smallshaw

    I forgot to mention the word empanding? I assumed it was supposed to be expanding as no such words exists or I could not find it?

  • 8 years ago

    by Ray Smallshaw

    I forgot to mention the word empanding? I assumed it was supposed to be expanding as no such words exists or I could not find it? Ray S

  • 8 years ago

    by Hollymariee

    I really like a lot of your imagery and the idea is really good , but you need to work on the flow . Do a syllable count and reword it a bit .. And your rhymes are also really good , except for :
    Many dread and fear the empanding darkness
    Not able to see in the murky chaotic blackness,
    .. I know it rhymes , but it just doesn't sound right . Play with your words , I'm sure it'll come out a bit better . 4/5

  • 8 years ago

    by Lady Nik

    Most praise hope and live in scorching light
    Upholding the childish ideals of a heroes fight,
    Believing in dreams that cross reality's line
    Not wanting to learn life's cruel design.

    *I really liked this stanza. I think you were explaining imagination here and how some people don't want to grow up and face the world. I love the last line, flawless way to start your poem.*

    Many dread and fear the empanding darkness
    *It bothered me a little that you used "many" again. I would maybe pick a different world like "some" or something like that. And I have no idea was 'empanding" means. Should that be "expanding"?*

    Not able to see in the murky chaotic blackness,
    *I wouldn't use "murky" to describe thr darkness. Doesn't seem like a good word there. I think it would sound better if you took out "murky" and just left it like that. *
    Holding tight,binded and blinded by heaven's ray
    Not opening their arms for whats here to stay.
    *I like the way you said "heaven's ray" I think that was very creative.*

    Lift your arms free from the sun's burn
    Cool your mind in the moon and learn,
    Close those eyes and open up singed arms
    Understand the darkness for there is no harm.

    *This stanza really bothered me. You said arms a lot and you repeated a lot of words you have used before. I'm not even sure you need this stanza. Doesn't seem to add anything new to the poem, it's just repeating *

    Touch it but do not embrace the daunting mystery
    Let arms and mind be free of conflicts history,
    *Shouldn't there be a "your" before "arms"?
    Its not a battle between epic evil and good
    Its ying and yang that are misunderstood.

    *I get what you're saying here, you just had a weird way of saying it. I know you're trying to rhyme and your doing a good job of it but your meanings are getting messed up. I thought this was an okay poem. You have really creative ideas they are just a little hard to understand because of the style of poem. You might want to try a free verse poem. I;m sure you would be great at that. Keep it up, Nik*