Topaz Eyes

by Of Sweet Insanity   Nov 7, 2009


Topaz eyes with rusty glass shards.
Razorblade's kiss left a trail of dark scars.
A billion pieces once made up his heart.
His world turned fowl with his fears alarmed.

Attempted to kill the demon named Fate.
Reach the conclusion that I stepped in too late.
His fragile heart scraped raw with such hate.
A private Hell where his soul could degrade.

She took his pain and his will with it too.
Many cold lies and false dreams she'd make true.
Hundreds of words purple red-- pure abuse.
His chuckle at death was the best he could do.

Topaz glare filled with tears t'wards the sky.
A glazed expression, angry blood roars inside.
Rage and temper, bottle up in disguise.
Taste the pain on his lips, cracked and dry.

His suicide death was hurried and frantic.
Hardly a note, lacking effort and tactic.
A smile so rotten, as weak as cold plastic.
His thread hung so thin, dropping him into blackness.

Nothing more wrong than the life he eked.
His head hung low on the last breath he heaved,
those sorrows unknown which brought him to his knees.
He was my world... And she took him from me.

1


Did You Like This Poem?

Latest Comments

  • 8 years ago

    by SolemnWish

    She took his pain and his will with it too.
    Many cold lies and false dreams she'd make true.
    Hundreds of words purple red-- pure abuse.
    His chuckle at death was the best he could do.

    :O...im like literally speechless. This was my favorite stanza and literally i hit myself for not writing it myself. im like wow..wow....wow...just utterly woww 5/5

  • 8 years ago

    by SheenaMarie

    Superb write 10/5

  • 8 years ago

    by Stephanie Michelle

    I can't even begin to write how amazing this was..

    First off, the opening stanza caught my attention immediately :

    "Topaz eyes with rusty glass shards.
    Razorblade's kiss left a trail of dark scars.
    A billion pieces once made up his heart.
    His world turned fowl with his fears alarmed."

    Just the wording you use here is perfect.

    "Razorblade's kiss left a trail of dark scars."

    Maybe this stands out to me because I used to be a cutter, but this line is extremely true. How you speak of a razorblade almost being gentle then leaving dark scars really gives the line strong contrast. Great job!

    "Attempted to kill the demon named Fate.
    Reach the conclusion that I stepped in too late.
    His fragile heart scraped raw with such hate.
    A private Hell where his soul could degrade."

    Very creative, calling "Fate" a demon. Strong wording, once again.

    "She took his pain and his will with it too.
    Many cold lies and false dreams she'd make true.
    Hundreds of words purple red-- pure abuse.
    His chuckle at death was the best he could do.

    Topaz glare filled with tears t'wards the sky.
    A glazed expression, angry blood roars inside.
    Rage and temper, bottle up in disguise.
    Taste the pain on his lips, cracked and dry."

    Here the line "Taste the pain on his lips, cracked and dry" stand out to me. You put details into your writing that the average person can relate to... Your word choice is phenomenal consistently throughout the piece.

    "His suicide death was hurried and frantic.
    Hardly a note, lacking effort and tactic.
    A smile so rotten, as weak as cold plastic.
    His thread hung so thin, dropping him into blackness."

    This stanza just adds great tone to the piece, entirely. Most of the time suicide IS hurried and frantic. The truth behind these words is sad but completely legit. Amazing flow here, also.

    "Nothing more wrong than the life he eked.
    His head hung low on the last breath he heaved,
    those sorrows unknown which brought him to his knees.
    He was my world... And she took him from me."

    "He was my world... And she took him from me." Beautiful way to end the piece. I found this to be an unexpected twist but it added a lot of depth to the poem (I think). Losing a loved one is probably one of the most emotional things you can write about.. You captured the pain and emotions along with the written occurrence perfectly.

    Throughout the entire poem the rhythm seemed perfect and your word choices astonishing.
    The only possible suggestion i could give is changing the last stanza to

    "Nothing more wrong than the life he eked.
    His head was hung low with the last breath he leaked,
    those sorrows unknown which brought him to his knees.
    He was my world... And she took him from me."

    I think the flow is a little better if you change the second line to something similar as i did. To me, the boy here seemed to be leaving the world weak (you spoke of him being brought to his knees) ..I think his last breath would be small rather than heaved. Heaving a breath would almost make it seem like the boy was trying to hold on to life, trying to get enough breath to stay a little long.. Letting his breath "leak out" sort of resembles his unwillingness to live. His just wanting to give up.

    ^^ Sorry for the long comment, this poem just fascinated me. Amazing job once again!

  • 8 years ago

    by Poetic Justice

    You did an amazing job and creating rhyme and a flow i could dance too. =) Great Job!

  • 8 years ago

    by Kuro

    Bravo! every stanza was rhymed brilliantly and the flow was flawless. and to top it all off, you used excellent vocabulary. none of the rhymes seemed forced. everything just fit together so perfectly.

    i'm a sucker for sad poetry. you really have done an outstanding job here. 5/5
    ~Ben

More Poems By Of Sweet Insanity