Comments : Unfolding Chapters

  • 7 years ago

    by Ingrid de Klerck

    Will be back soon to comment!!!!!!

    a 5/5 off course:)

    Ingrid

  • 7 years ago

    by The Queen

    Nice title to start with:] I can see the difference of this piece compared to your previous ones. And to be honest, I like this style even better. I could clearly see and feel the emotions your words are trying to convey. Loved the vivid image of a broken heart which was vividly painted here. Good work partner..:]

  • 7 years ago

    by Ingrid de Klerck

    I

    Fragments of words,
    dispersed, scattered
    unspoken.

    Tattered and torn
    scarlet letters
    we had passionately
    written.

    Scrambled,
    alphabets somersault,
    confessions smudged;
    meanings gone astrayed.

    ^^

    This beginning is very sad, it leaves me with an image of a man sitting amids old, faded love letters all alone.
    It should be: gone astray ( I think)

    II

    Submerge in your perfectly
    circular cut emerald,
    unknowing that I would drown
    within this beautiful hue.

    Arc of rainbow
    no longer appear
    over this green meadow.

    Our dreams;
    Waking every morning
    to a different sunrise
    sets upon us, draining
    colors out of our lives.

    ^^
    This states you were aware of being under this person's spell and willingly let yourself be drowned in her world..this must have been a really deep love you felt then....

    The last stanza I read as each day her being in a different mood and you not knowing what to expect.

    III

    How could an
    ocean size love
    evaporate?
    Leaving sadness on
    the seabed.

    -Cursed by a dry spell-

    Earth's baked crust thirst
    for a drop of pristine driblet
    to fall from heaven's vault,
    for a sign of hope.

    ^^

    Yes, this question must have been asked a million times over by so many who lost, what they felt to be, the love of their life.
    I loved the metaphore in the last stanza, the craving for hope in it and how you used water in it...really very good imagery.

    IV

    Desires of a roseate future,
    lost in reverie, drifting further
    like a forgotten dream.

    This pen could no longer
    shed anymore melancholy ink.

    Another stroke would pierce
    past engravement of unhealed wounds,
    penetrating deeper into old lesion
    that has once been scribbled
    in between the flesh of my ribs.

    Within these metaphors;
    my secrets are left buried,
    leaving one to decipher
    the truth it holds.

    ^^
    You leave all you felt behind within your writings..so beautifully put, Azzza and yes, I know some people do do this and never speak about what they feel in real life.

    Desires of a roseate future,
    lost in reverie, drifting further
    like a forgotten dream.

    ^^
    Aww..I have been there too many times and the pain it brings is agonising.

    Well, I loved this.it is truly beautiful in all it's painful splendor.

    God bless and a big hug,

    5/5 Ingrid

  • 7 years ago

    by The Queen

    This pen could no longer
    shed anymore melancholy ink.
    ^^I think the ANYMORE is not necessary here, it's like a repetition of NO LONGER plus maybe you can add a deeper description for pen, like what do we do with pen?, to release our pain perhaps, so I think it would look better if it was something like this,

    This pen could no longer shed
    A howling pain within

    leaving one to decipher
    the truth it holds.
    ^^I think the last line was off the flow. Maybe add a word in between, perhaps,

    Leaving the one to decipher
    The truth it sorely holds

    How could an
    ocean size love
    evaporate?
    Leaving sadness on
    the seabed.
    ^^also here I think if you add another word after the SEABED, the flow will go smoothly like

    How could an
    Ocean size love
    Evaporate?
    Leaving sadness on
    The seabed, (worthily, effortlessly or admirably} any of these of anything you think would fit

    Submerge in your perfectly
    circular cut emerald,
    unknowing that I would drown
    within this beautiful hue.
    ^^also I think the word that is unnecessary, try removing it and watch how it flows perfectly

    Arc of rainbow
    no longer appear
    over this green meadow.
    ^^I think this was too short, perhaps add some words

    (and now or these days) arc of rainbow
    No longer appears
    Over (or Above) this green meadow

    These are just my opinions partner, I thought this was deserving for a nomination only with a few changes. As I said just my opinions and I could be wrong. :]

  • 7 years ago

    by Aureus Argentum

    This is utterly amazing! I love it! I am adding this one ot my favorites; it's so brilliantly written and conveyed. I see no flaws; it's great! 5/5

  • 7 years ago

    by Courageous Dreamer

    Meanings gone astrayed
    ^astrayed should be astray

    perfectly
    circular-cut emerald hue,
    ^maybe too many adjectives, but a nice description

    How could an
    ocean size love evaporate?
    ^ocean-size may need a hyphen.. not sure; a nice metaphor however - your love being as big as the ocean

    The ending was brilliant & the whole poem was in itself great. Thought you did a really nice job; each stanza was like a chapter of it's own.

  • 7 years ago

    by Rachel RTVW

    ^the admirably seabed.^

    I don't think this line sounds right. Admirable maybe a better word.

    ^This pen could no longer
    shed anymore melancholy ink.^

    I agree with Evanescent Moon about the anymore being unnecessary. I just didn't care for this couplet. The imagery of shedding makes me think of an animal or skin cells. maybe you could say release it's melancholy ink or something else.

    Those are the only 2 suggestions I'd make at this time.The piece is otherwise beautifully penned. It has an articulate word choice,vivid imagery and good use of metaphors. Overall you did a great job!

  • 7 years ago

    by Ray Smallshaw

    Wordy and verbose but it did not take away this poems uniqueness. As always written delicately and with a deep sense of feeling, there is no real need for me to point out the verses that caught my attention as non stand out alone the poem flows and tell its tale with emotion and depth. A true master piece of writing that I will add to my keep list and read from time to time so I can improve my writings with the depth your poem conveys. Ray S excellent 5/5

  • 7 years ago

    by Ingrid de Klerck

    Good work sweetheart ;)

    Big hugs,

    Ingrid

  • 7 years ago

    by Cindy

    What a sad yet beautiful poem you have penned.

    Submerge in your perfectly
    circular-cut emerald hue,
    unknowing that I would drown
    within this mystical view.

    -Years passed-

    As if slain by the arcane clouds,
    arc of rainbow no longer
    appears over this green meadow.

    Our dreams;
    Waking every morning
    to a different sunrise
    sets upon us, draining
    colors out of our lives.

    Awesome imagery and word choices. It draws the reader into the depth of your words. I really was touched by the above stanzas.
    Awesome job!
    Congrats on a well deserved win!
    Take care
    Cindy

  • 7 years ago

    by PinkyPrincess

    Wow...! This poem is beautiful!! It's no wonder you won, congratulations by the way! I absolutely loved every word... and I could relate to some of the parts... It's amazing! Well done!

  • 7 years ago

    by iFallToPieces

    Wow, this is an amazing poem, very different to your others but great job, congratulations on winning you deserved it (:
    5/5

  • 7 years ago

    by Rania Moallem

    I like to be brief and conceptual..wont write u a magazine. but seriously this poem is unique with its words choice.. with its images...with the sadness and the darkness...so much harmony I felt between ur lines.

    This As if slain by the arcane clouds,
    arc of rainbow no longer
    appears over this green meadow >>>must be the one that made me think for seconds b4 i continue reading, think about personal things..
    5/5
    thnx for sharing
    u have the talent

  • 4 years ago

    by Natasha

    Beautiful para in sadness. I love this.