Comments : My Word

  • 12 years ago

    by Poet on the Piano

    I love the profoundness of your title, how it echoes in this piece stronger than any heartbeat. You give yourself over to this love that will last.

    "Another sleepless night lost in wonder
    Just when it seems I have lost my love again
    There comes another women waltzing into my life
    Making contemplate those words of love in my head"

    Last line- "making contemplate" doesn't really flow/ read well in my opinion. Maybe use just one or change contemplate to contemplating? I like how you are picked back up by love again...like God sends an angel when you need it the most, when you sit in despair. Encouraging.

    "Her hair that falls into my face with gentle kisses
    Her voice whispering sweet nothingness into my ear
    Her touch crippling the demons of my loneliness
    Until finally the rhythm of the love in heart i can hear"

    I thought the second line was a bit cliché but you brought back such breaking passion in the third line. "demons of my loneliness" struck me- sometimes we try so hard to be around other people, but we've been left with our lonely self for so long, it haunts us. And now your ears are opened. You can hear each other.
    Only suggestion: capitalize your "i"s if you want....don't know your style but just proper grammar.

    "The candles are lit dimming the glow in my room
    The incense is burning trying to calm my soul
    These Blankets so warm lulling me into my sleep
    These ideas of love trying to complete me; making me whole"

    First line: Add comma after "lit"?
    I like the soothing imagery of incense, and that beautiful essence of being warm at night while sleeping, dreaming...
    beautifully spoken last line, speak out your soul.

    "Her skin tone reminds me of the Egyptian sands
    Her eyes like windows into her captivating heart
    Her lips lock onto mine with the taste of passion
    It's like if i was to fall in love; I am falling in love with art"

    Oh, great imagery here. I like comparing her eyes with windows to see the depth of a heart you will never forget. Intriguing.

    "What am I saying I am in love with this piece of work
    After all the hurt that has ever been inflicted
    After all the torture of a thousand suns upon my skin
    Here i lay in wonder; she is now my drug and I'm addicted"

    First line: Add "is" after first "I"?
    I love this declaration, it sounds all over. My only thoughts in this stanza is using "this piece of work" seems too bland after you have described her so brilliant..."work" doesn't seem like the right word. Maybe melody, composition, miracle?

    You bring in this new wave of emotions, that you are forgetting the pain....the scars of something past....there is something more in her.

    "Just when it seems I have lost my love in a way
    She comes dancing into the dusk of my world
    Begging for a chance to partake into this dance of love
    Welcome m'lady I love you and i give you that as my word"

    "into the dusk of my world"- beautiful flow, truly stunning.

    A lovely write, it was wonderful to read and filled with great passion. Good luck to you and please keep writing. There were only a few places I feel you could go back and strengthen but that is up to you as the writer.

    Thanks and God's blessings to you.