What Now?

Life comes at me like a ton of bricks
regret this, regret that
but is it really regret
or am i just afraid?
cold
numb
ignorance isn't something i want to live by
but what else is there?
I'm always the one with the answers
but this time
I'm speechless
unsure
can't think
frozen in time
breathing deeply the smell of unconquered thoughts consume me
and who can i turn to?
the illusion i met the night i was saying goodbye
no, that can't be right, not fair on his life
can i turn to the candy that i like so much?
no, again that can't be right either
it's not his responsibility to make sure I'm OK with a Little one in his life
do i turn to the people who don't even know who i am?
no, where would i even begin?
trusting people who have done nothing to earn it, that would never work
I'm supposed to trust Mr engine
but the revving never makes sense
so who do i turn to?
it makes me sick thinking that i could ever do this
i wasn't ready for this
so it makes sense as to why i would try so hard
i try too hard
i get too obsessed
but i wasn't ready
i watch as if from a third person point of view every night when i lay down to sleep
it keeps me up
haunts me
makes me feel like i can do nothing right
sleepless nights
staring at the ceiling
who is there?
the illusion doesn't fit
the candy is too sweet
trust never comes easy
and engines make no sense to me
so where's the line drawn?
what can i do to get my life back to the way it was before?
when things made sense
when i never knew life to be different...
so now what?
what can i do to make this feeling go away
the numbness
the time that got frozen
what am i supposed to do?
who do i turn to?
i was the one who slipped through the cracks
unseen and unheard
dying without knowing it
trying to live when it was too late
but it's never too late...
what a lie that is....
i died five seconds ago
but now I'm desperately trying to live again
to breath easily
to not be afraid
I've been told it was a long time ago when it all happened
that i should just forget
but it wasn't time ago
it was five seconds ago as Thayer said in the movie Teenage Dirt-bag
all one has to do is count
count slowly
5...
4...
3...
2...
1...
i can feel every sting,
every punch,
Evey excuse
every midnight walk
every moon light adventure
if an adventure is what i can call it
i ran away from the home life that suggested i shouldn't live for very long
and if i gave in
i probably wouldn't have
and then i lock it away
close the door
the second i think it
i make it stop
i feel like screaming!
make the thoughts conquerable
make me strong enough to figure this out
Because I'm supposed to have all the answers
because I'm supposed to be ready
but I'm not ready
and i don't have all the answers
and i am scared
every night when the lights go out
I'm scared of all the thoughts that present themselves
it's a waste of breathing air having me alive
when I'm already dead
and no one knows
am i even supposed to have someone to turn to
after all the years of being alone
it's not fair to the illusion
to take care of someone like me
it's not right for the candy
to savor it's sweetness just so i can have something to look forward to
trusting people who haven't earned it
well that's not an issue because i don't trust them
and engines are supposed to be the support
and make things run
but i just don't understand engines
so what now?
what am i supposed to do now?