Appreciate your thoughts and suggestions. Here are some explanations:
1) Yes more stanza's are possible, but may change the sentiments behind each stanza. But, may be the second stanza can be split up. I will give it a try.
2)Re: And the fear instead of fears would sound better.
Fears is intentional and also goes along with fears in the next lineRe with the next line.
I think "our or their" sounds better than one's.
This is written in first person for a specific person and hence "their" will not fit in and may alter the thought.
The same applies to "may be it will sound better if you add Their before eyes and lips."
Hence "one or ones" is correctly used.
3)Re: I didn't understand this part:
Will it even work to dodge
the will which wants to give away
what is in one's heart
I think if you take the 3rd line here, it does explain the content of the first 2 lines.
4)What if their is a way
to mend the hurt of not one but
two souls lost in their own way?
Re:This is making me think but i'm not understanding what you mean.. The way I think is like if its possible to help two souls that are hurt by introducing them and them helping each other.
Comment:So the expression here is deep and hidden for 2 people who love each other in slightly different ways, but misunderstand each other.
5)Would one consider the cure
or does one want to live
with a broken heart for ever ?
Re:^ Will anyone consider the cure.
Or does everyone want to live
with a broken heart for ever?
Commentt: "anyone" and "everyone" will substantially change the mening behind this stanza, for the same reason as given in #2 - this is written in first person for a specific person.
Great thoughts and suggestions, if the poem was written in third person.
I truly appreciate your comments.
7 years ago
Yup, this its better. ^_^
Thank you for responding to my inquiries.
Truth does always have a way of coming out one way or the other for it cannot stay hidden for long..and if there is one who can read everything about you from just seeing your eyes..then truly nothivg can hide. I liked this read it makes the reader to think :)