Angry Love (Etheree)

Wow,wish one day am going to drop a piece like this.great work

#claps hands#

K: Thanks for the suggestions. I deliberately used ebb as a significator for ebb tide. Overwhelms evokes being swamped, where consumed has no connection with tidal surges. By the same reasoning, there must be something actually blocking the berth where love should be. Appreciate the comment.

I think you've done an excellent job with this piece. This critique is meant to fine-tune it a bit.

Since you have stuck with a boat and water theme throughout, I think the title should reflect the theme, for instance, ^Angry Seas^ ^Rough Waters^ or ^Mayday^.

Ire
rising
with the tide
overwhelms me

Nice beginning. I think ^consuming me^ might be a bit more powerful than ^overwhelms me^

tearing words from lips
never should have been heard,
throws love overboard anchored
in pride and fault and righteousness

Very nice.

so as the ebb flows out we're left with
this new problem berthed where love should be docked.

^ebb flows out^ is a bit clumsy, since ebb means an outward flow.

^This new problem^ provides no imagery and does not pack the punch that is needed to set up a strong ending.

Perhaps something like this:

and as the storm abates we are left
with an empty berth where love should be docked

Overall, a very nice take on the form.

WoW!! The imagery is just amazing. I can picture sadness, I can picture love, and I can picture pride.

A great Piece !

This is great imagery I can see the astronomical tide of passion making waves while it docks!