Comments : Teenage Rebellion

  • 6 years ago

    by BlueJay

    Wow! This is extremely well written! I love the imagery and the scene you set! Magnificent job!

  • 6 years ago

    by Michael D Nalley

    Although Ilove the whole poem I was blown away in a good way by the line Dodging grenades saturated with judgement,
    I believe Bob Dylan who wrote "It's alright Ma I'm only bleeding" would have envyed the skillfull way the emotion is conveyed in this well written poem

  • 6 years ago

    by Decayed

    Oh my God.
    You're truly a BOMB holding a grudge on every one that mistreats you.. I'm a teen and I truly know how you feel. Tell me 'bout it :p
    LOL

    This was so powerful.. as if you are ready to blow in the face of every disliker..

    But hey, even when everybody stands against our wishes or ambitions or dreams, let's show them how we can make it to the skies!

    I understand every word you say, and you penned it in a firey, flaming, burning.. way!

    I ADORED it in every aspect: flow, wording, thoughts, structure, closing, opening. ,,

    KEEP IN MIND: "Haters can kiss my notorious As*"

    I Proudly nominate this.
    You reminded me of the song "Perfect" by "P!nk"..

    Amazing, honestly.

    5/5

  • 6 years ago

    by nourayasmine

    "even when everybody stands against our wishes or ambitions or dreams, let's show them how we can make it to the skies!"

    ^^^
    Abed! well-said! :):)
    Abed said it all, actually, Bri, he s right:)

    I read your work and I guess most of it is dark?? I never tried to write something dark but I guess it is awesome to express yourself in a dark way, I just feel it is deep. :)
    What I loved the mos about this piece is that most of people can relate to it, like there are lots of teen-agers who have the same problem as you (including me) so bravo expressing yourself and OURselves! :)

    Th wordig was unique! very much
    but...
    I have just one suggestion :)
    don't capitalize the first letter in every single line, it really is confusing.

    "Rejected... Tormented... Condemned...
    Just feed it to the fire."

    ^^^
    I loved the insertion of this. It was like a short pause that held lots of meaning.

    the ending was my favorite part!
    you nailed it, Brittney :)
    well-done
    if I had more votes, I would nominate this ;)
    five!

  • 6 years ago

    by Saerelune

    "Refusing to acknowledge my adulthood status,
    My passage followed by hostile criticizing eyes.
    Declaring my actions misguided when they hold bias.
    I am launched onto a battlefield without allies."
    ^ My favourite line is the last one, as it's a strong way of telling us (the readers) how you are just pushed into this big world, facing so many problems, yet no one's there to support you. Instead, they even criticize you, which was evident in the previous three lines. Although I must say I didn't feel much for the third line, as I think the second line (almost) said the same thing but then much stronger.

    "Rejected... Tormented... Condemned...
    Just feed it to the fire."
    ^ I think the first line would be much stronger if you structure it like this:
    "Rejected
    Tormented
    Comdemned"
    Because this way we'll truly concentrate on the meaning of each word, and it adds much more strength to the tone of your words.

    "Dodging grenades saturated with judgement,
    Scaling walls due to the fact that doors are absent,
    Cautiously traversing around their glass tempers,
    A difficult feat since it stretches across acres"
    ^ You truly have some creative lines in this poem, such as the one I mentioned in the first stanza, and now the first line of this stanza. I like this stanza a lot compared to your opening stanza, because it holds so much more rage and power. Your diction is truly ruling here, and that's a common technique used in dark poetry, but you also have to watch your flow. For example, if you take a look at the second line, it sounds like a mouth full. I suggest you change it to:
    "Scaling walls because doors are absent,"
    or
    "Scaling walls because of doors that are absent,"
    (if you think some extra syllables are needed to keep up the rhythm)
    This way you'll keep more of an s-sound throughout your line, which is evident throughout this whole stanza. Almost sounds like some sort of hissing, which is very befitting of the emotion behind this piece.

    "Yet, they speak to me with malice.
    And treat me as if I were a menace.
    Fuel to my fire."
    ^ I like the sound of "malice" and "menace" being put together, and the fact that you're keeping the image of a fire alive. But I don't think you need the comma after "yet", I'd rather replace the period after "malice" for a comma.

    "Their accusations discounted, I no longer care.
    I refuse to be extinguished, I decline to be silent.
    My fire is voracious and ready to ensnare.
    The adversary claims that I am an adolescent,

    Well then, I will give them a Teenage Nightmare."
    ^ I like the way your first line seems like a personal thought, yet you manage to put it together with the fire you mentioned before. On the contrary, you didn't manage to do this with the third and fourth line. The fourth line seems kind of out of place after you express your firmness, I think there's space needed so that the two entirely different views don't collide. I suggest you move this fourth line to your ending line, so you'd end with a couplet, like this:
    "The adversary claims that I am an adolescent,
    Well then, I will give them a Teenage Nightmare."
    And then create a new line after "My fire ... to ensnare.". You could elaborate upon it. I also have another suggestion regarding this line, as I didn't like the way you mentioned the word "fire" for the third time in this poem, it's becoming dull now. Perhaps you could make it more personal by saying something like "My burning soul" or "My inflamed soul", to indicate that it's truly your personality you're talking about.

    It's a nice poem, and as I said before, it beholds some creativity. Just some tweaks here and there and you can make it some stronger, though it's already quite strong as it is now. Although I think the ending line is a bit weak, standing on its own. So perhaps if you consider what I said above (let the ending consist of two line) then it would be more convincing.

    Deliciously darkly done. :)

  • 6 years ago

    by Hallucinostic

    Very angst-ridden poem. Its been a while since I got interested in these kinda poems, maybe its because youve written it in a very honest way, even the title, you used a very straightforward phrase... anyways, I think this is really good, awesome writing my friend.