As previously discussed, I love this poem. It has so many great images and lines, it was like a trip through the cosmos.

"I can't always be the glow of the night sky
you wish upon"

This was gorgeous writing here. The whole second stanza just makes me feel of such an independent person, walking away from a needy, overly dependent other. That they have to take their own life into their hands, you're not responsible for their success or happiness.

Comets slingshotting themselves was a great metaphor, beautiful images come to mind here.

The ending was my favorite, the usage of 'tiny' and 'violent'. Such opposites but so strong. Love, love, love. Wish I had a nomination left!

WOW!!! This is amazing, it is creative and interesting. It is strong and clear. The choice of words was immaculate. Your own voice was very vivid and well thought. The emotion was nice. There is a bit of a well worked flow. Description is used so well in this, that I am still stunned by it. I have to say this is excellent, and I gave it a 5/5

"If you were a planet, I bet
you would dance around the sun
like a ballerina - and be the Pandora
of a distant stretch of cosmos,"
^ If I hadn't read the word "bet" here, I would seriously think that this was written by a girl. =p Not offending you here, lol, just saying that I like the way you seem to be able to creep in another's skin. That is, if I am right that this is about a girl.
These opening lines are truly enchanting. Although the theme is something the reader probably isn't much in touch with, he/she is still able to imagine it all clearly. It's because you've added a certain playfulness to these lines.

"gaze would be fixed upon your aquatic pearl."
^ This line stood out to me, or let's say the aquatic pearl attracted me. Because that, Colm, is a very lovely way of describing one's eye. I just thought that this girl must have those insanely bright blue eyes.

"I am a more straightforward existence.
Threads of matter, tissues, cells."
^ While I understood the first line, and how it's going to mark a change in the poem, I wasn't so sure about the second one. It just seems to be placed there without any connection to the surrounded lines? Surely it means something ... perhaps you were trying to explain how you're this straightforward person, with some scientific imagery. But then again, I think it wouldn't come as such a shock if it was more a sentence.

"All I have are two atoms, tiny and violent.
I'll leave them here for you."
^ Nice ending, although I wonder what these two atoms are. I don't think anything of you exists of two atoms only, so perhaps you were trying to fit in the theme and indicate something else. Well, atoms seem round, so perhaps you were hinting at the eyes again ... I'm not really sure. I still liked it all, though, it's a good way to escape the change of tone you made - back to the soft Colm again.
As a girl, I can tell you that the very last line was cute. =p I'm sure that if this was written for someone, that person would be hypnotised by this piece.

The majority of this poem was dreamy and pretty nice, and then the last two lines were (topically...) stellar. Really, really great. I loved the image of the two atoms as being "tiny and violent." That was a really effective word choice, more powerful than some flowery language would have been. The short sentences of those last two lines also worked really well.

Oh, sorry. That was Sibyllene^ Gotta log out!

A beautiful, magical, enchanting write . Loved it Colm.

My favourite lines...

" All I have are two atoms, tiny and violent.
I'll leave them here for you."

Your poems always delight :) .. Glad I stopped by!

All the Best .. Olwin

What an amazing poem! Well written - I love it

If you were a planet, I bet
you would dance around the sun
like a ballerina - and be the Pandora
of a distant stretch of cosmos,
where comets try to slingshot
themselves to you, where the star's
gaze would be fixed upon your aquatic pearl.

I have an image of this beautiful woman with an amazing aura whom you speak so highly of. This person is smoeone who is loved dearly by many - the use of the words "comets try to slingshot themselves to you" like people gravitate towards her

I am a more straightforward existence.
Threads of matter, tissues, cells.
I can't always be the glow of the night sky
you wish upon, your gravitational constant,
or a lunar Siegfried.

All I have are two atoms, tiny and violent.
I'll leave them here for you

For me the last two stanzas are quite sad. An image of someone who does not feel that they deserve this wonderful woman. The first poem made me smile and the second I felt heartbroken.

This is just how I felt when reading this poem. I am not sure if that was the image you were trying to portay.

LOVED IT

x

Wow... the ending was a perfect way to just end such an amazing poem.

5/5

-Heather