Comments : Regretful Repercussions

  • 6 years ago

    by mira

    I love this one too the words are so great and put on the right place well done:)

  • 6 years ago

    by Jenni

    I think that the title is a bit too simple for this poem, because the message you convey is so much more than that and you need something eye-catching, that will pull people in because this poem definately deserves to be read.
    I like the flow of this poem and your thoughts because they feel really unique and captivating. This poem has potential, but it needs a little bit of editing, that it'll get the last kick.
    Overall an enjoyable read, well done!

  • 6 years ago

    by Tara Kay

    I agree with Jenni, that the title was too simple, May I suggest "Wrong-doings I Regret" or "Regrettful repercussions"

    I also like the flow, it cascading line in line,
    a lovely piece

    Keep writing
    Love
    Tara
    xxx

  • 6 years ago

    by Paul Gondwe

    Thanx you guys.. I like "Regrettful Repercussions"..thats what i will name it

  • 6 years ago

    by Sylvia

    We all have regrets I think. We cannot let them govern our life, we must move past them. This is a very good write. There are a couple of things that need a little correction.

    ^^^
    still its perfection its should be it's for it is.

    ^^^^
    my shoulder carries a heavy York

    In this line should York be yoke?

  • 6 years ago

    by Paul Gondwe

    Thank you for the observations slyvia, i have collected them

  • 6 years ago

    by TJ Arizona Eagle

    Let this cup of suffering pass me by
    Still it is no excuse for the crimes I committed,
    all the wrongs I permitted

    I think you have a great way with words, you create vivid and interesting themes/ The above is my favorite stanza creative and original
    Well done

  • 6 years ago

    by Innocent Fairy

    I loved this peice,,,very imaginary and great i loved reading it and i just loved it all,,,amazing how u've captivated me in this peice u've writtin that i could not take my eyes away,,,great :) 10/10
    by the way it's nominted :)

  • 6 years ago

    by Jessica

    I reallyy enjoyed reading this!
    The imaginary was GREAT!!!
    You have a Way With Words!
    Awesomeeee. :)
    5/5 Jessi

  • 6 years ago

    by Swallowing Tongues

    I like this. It brings up a problem that a lot of people deal with: regret. I also enjoyed how you asked questions to keep the reader thinking.
    The part that said: "Would I relive the same life? Hell no!" made me laugh. I guess because I really wasn't expecting the "Hell no!"

  • 6 years ago

    by nourayasmine

    Paul.A very powerful write you have here! The message beyond these strong words of you is more than just good! Perfect atmosphere and.....the wording was so intriguing.

    I just have one thing....a very minor thing

    the title should be "Regretful Repercussions" without the second t in regretful. ;D

    Soooo powerful, good poetry.

  • 5 years ago

    by L

    A well picked title. It goes well with the end of the poem and as a whole.
    I agree with Jenni and Tara it does need some corrections and a bit of editing.
    the flow is nice.

    Suggestions

    My blood flows in an awkward direction
    Forming clots,
    splatters,
    still it's perfection

    ---I would add the but at the beginning of Still.
    note : "It is" is use because you are referring that the blood has/ or is perfection.

    My bloods flows in an awkward direction
    forming clots,
    splatters,
    but still, it is perfection.

    ^
    Trapped in a bondage,
    my own doings
    I now pay a heavy price

    --- I would add "Of" in front of my own doings

    Trapped in a bondage
    of my own doings;
    I now pay a heavy price.

    ^
    My heart was a guiding light,
    influential in all my bad decisions
    Choices I cannot recall,
    shuttling every inch of my body
    Piercing my heart,
    penetrating deep down to my soul

    --- here you are blaming your heart for the bad decisions taken. And you explain the effects those decisions had in your heart. very good.

    ^
    Would I relive the same life?Hell No!
    Give me a chance to talk,
    let people listen
    This is a burden,
    my shoulder carries a heavy Yoke
    Am like an old man down with stroke

    --- I think it would sound better if you change listen to "know" in : let people listen"
    and add "that" in front of "this is a burden "
    and "that makes" in front of "my shoulder .."
    Add " I "in front of Am other wise it seems like you are starting a question.
    " I am like an old man down with a stroke." by the way, I like the simile.

    I'm unsure whether to leave it as it is or change it to
    " Leaving me like an old man down with a stroke. "

    Would I relive the same life?Hell No!
    Give me a chance to talk,
    To Let people know
    that this is a burden
    That makes my shoulder carry a heavy yoke.
    I am now like an old man down with a stroke.
    Leaving me like an old man down with a stroke.

    ^
    Let this cup of suffering pass me by
    Still it is no excuse for the crimes I committed,
    all the wrongs I permitted

    ---Add "and" to all the wrongs I permitted.
    and change "still it is no excuse" to (even though, I have)...

    Let this cup of suffering pass me by
    Even though, I have no excuse for the crimes i committed
    and the wrongs I permitted.

    ^
    What if I had changed,
    would my life have turned out for the better?
    Only if I had followed all the virtues,
    the morals that govern us as human beings.

    -----I think that moving the second sentences to the last one, would be more meaningful.

    What if I had changed?,
    Only if I had followed all the virtues,
    the morals that govern us as human beings.
    would my life have turned out for the better?

    ^
    Would it have been a different story,
    If I had practiced what I was taught to the latter?
    All these I regret

    ----Perhaps add a little more to the last stanza…
    but there is no going back
    All I am left with are regrets.

    Full poem with my suggestions incorporated.

    My bloods flows in an awkward direction
    forming clots
    splatters,
    but still, it is perfection.

    Trapped in a bondage
    of my own doings;
    I now pay a heavy price.

    My heart was a guiding light,
    influential in all my bad decisions
    Choices I cannot recall,
    shuttling every inch of my body
    Piercing my heart,
    penetrating deep down to my soul.

    Would I relive the same life?Hell No!
    Give me a chance to talk,
    To Let people know
    that this is a burden
    That makes my shoulder carry a heavy yoke.
    leaving me like an old man down with a stroke
    ( or I am now like an old man down with a stroke.)

    Let this cup of suffering pass me by
    Even though, I have no excuse for the crimes I committed
    and the wrongs I permitted.

    And so I sit down,
    restless in my mind,
    with thoughts of regret.

    What if I had changed?,
    Only if I had followed all the virtues,
    the morals that govern us as human beings.
    would my life have turned out for the better?

    Would it have been a different story,
    If I had practiced what I was taught to the latter?
    But there is no going back
    All I'm left with are this awful regrets.

  • 5 years ago

    by Paul Gondwe

    Thank u Everlasting..ur suggestions have been incorporated into the poem...i owe u big time..

  • 5 years ago

    by Lioness

    I really enjoyed this read.

    I love the second last stanza. It is very powerful because so many people feel the same way. I have so many regrets and wonder what life would be like if we had changed our decisions in life. If we had the opportunity to "redo" our lives.

    Who knows, maybe if we could, we may end up worse of than if we kept our original decisions on certain things.

    I guess that is the unknown.

    Loved this poem

    x

  • 5 years ago

    by Curtis Putnam

    Great imagery, great flow... smooth read all the way through. ill check out some of your other poems

  • 5 years ago

    by Decayed

    Paul, I think the rawness in here and the question marks just totally conveys what you mean. And the usage of smooth words yet vivid and thick makes your piece great. Keep it going:)

  • 5 years ago

    by Sherry Lynn

    We all make choices that we regret later in life. The trick is learning to forgive ourselves and looking towards the future instead of clinging to the past.

    I would fix the little spelling error on the word going; however, it is still a fantastic piece.

    You have voiced your sorrow and suffering beautifully and in a way that every one who reads can understand. You allow the reader to ponder upon their own mistakes while asking for more from you.

    That is a good thing. Any time the reader wants to know what caused this emotion means that you have grabbed them and drawn them into your world.

    Another great attribute is that you have left the reader to know that they are not the only ones who have experienced guilt and regret.

    Great job!

    ~~Sher

  • 5 years ago

    by BlueJay

    Wow excellent poem!!! 5/5 I am stunned

  • 5 years ago

    by Chelsey

    Absolutely love the first stanza.. I loved that stanza so much I read just that one 4 times! Way to draw the reader in!

    Let this cup of suffering pass me by
    even though i have no excuse for the crimes I committed,
    and all the wrongs I permitted

    ^ I also like this stanza. It was like a cry for hope even though mistakes have been made.

    I like this write, Just a few typos in your last few stanzas but I overlooked them. I liked it :)

  • 5 years ago

    by ash

    So true. noone can go back in time and fix everything u mess up on. very well written poem. love it very much.