This was such a touching piece, I honestly loved how you dedicated it to a friend you met and were able to love and trust, quickly. They play the piano too? That was cute- like elevator music, which piano for me is addicting and a fun hobby :) It truly can be a once-in-a-lifetime chance to meet someone who you really connect with and can hold onto. My favorite part was how you mentioned your friend always having a natural way to make you smile.
"but I know you can move mountains" and
"I see you"
This was the real part that tugged at my heart- the faith you see in your friend and the fact that you don't just see each other as human beings, you seem each other as something more, a soul that keep growing and blossoming. There's a lot that can seem forced today, or sometimes we force emotions out of us as is expected, but this friend makes it real, genuine and I bet can really take away the depression you are facing. God bless, thanks for sharing this gem and thank you for your kindness in reading my work as well and leaving your thoughts :)
5 years ago
by Ronel McCarthy
Poem shows the value of a good friendship - both bring positive energy into the friendship and uplift and create a wonderful friendship in the process .
I've been reading some of your pieces that you wrote and I feel like this one really shows how you've been growing as a writer. You've been around here for years but this poem steps outside of your comfort zone, especially in the way it depicts a vulnerability that is generally only shared between two people. Here you put it on display.
We met and its like our souls blossomed
Personally I think you should remove the "its like" I don't feel it was necessary because the sentence would read with a similar concept. You wrote "its like" because souls don't literally blossom, so by saying 'we met and our souls blossomed' you're forming the idea of "like" anyway. However if you decide to keep the line the way it is then the "its" needs to be changed to "it's".
I liked the subtle alliteration used throughout, especially with the 'B' sounds. You used 'blossomed' in the first line, then went on to use blooming, best, bitterness and better, they were nice sounds together.
You see the articulate way
I curl my words with
an edge of beauty
I really liked this, it had such an elegant feel to it. It really helps depict how you are, the part of you that doesn't always show but it is there. I loved the use of articulate and curl here. Edge is a little sharp when contrasted against curl but it works due to your concept.
All painted up in talent
like rugged brush strokes
Enjoyed this too but I'd removed "all" and "up" in the first line. As an art student your description of brush strokes I loved! Rugged; such a good term!
This depiction of friendship is something we all can relate to on PnQ. It's funny the friendships we made. I tell Britt quite often she's someone I get on with better than a lot of people, even people in my "real" life and I can also understand the reference to age. I could spend time with many people on here regardless of the difference in age because we've formed those friendships and bonds you probably wouldn't be given the chance to form if we didn't make them online.