Comments : Vulnerability.

  • 6 years ago

    by Yakari Gabriel

    Sheesh,where do I start...
    I love this,I love this I love this I love this I love this..I love this,I love this I love this I love this I love this I love this,I love this I love this I love this I love this I love this,I love this I love this I love this I love this I love this,I love this I love this I love this I love this

    oke,Did I mention that I love this..

    you've been doing some tender writing lately babe,and nothing as heart-melting as tender poetry

    You left me that Autumn,
    curled upon that bare patch of grass
    beneath a tree of red raspberries
    that once ripened with my cheeks,

    ^
    I love the creativity here,
    you have taken blushing to a whole other Level,so fancy yet so beautiful.. I like how you went for raspberries here,I mean it could
    have been cherries,strawberries,
    I don't know,It just made it all more delightful

    for I always loved to wander meadows with you
    while my skirt of feathers ruffled with the breeze,
    as did my heart, nested in a heap of butterflies,
    for you held all its beauty -
    ^
    here some how I got the Image
    of Heidi in my mind,
    its a cartoon a little girl who always used to walk meadows with her best pal..and they'd have the best times, maybe because this took my mind to that specific cartoon...
    it backfires to the tenderness I was talking about...she was so innocent..
    I also compliment you here on the use of "meadows" when here too you could have chosen anything else..
    you have a way of making everything EVEN MORE Poetic..

    yet soon you littered them around me
    like limp moths falling to their death,
    mangling all I ever was,
    for you cared not how I felt;

    ^
    eek,here heartbreak strikes,
    these lines hit hard..but not too hard that
    it breaks the emotion in the poem,
    its like you knew it was coming because..
    the poem starts with "you left me"

    and now it's as if you left me there all year 'round,
    unable to love again, with a sullen feeling of loss,
    for I've never felt this weightless
    without you.

    ^
    the ending lines are my favorite..
    because you were just saying that it was autumn, and now you say how it feels like its been the whole year.. it illustrates the pain better..

    I don't know what else to say really,
    you've penned vulnerability in all its glory..

    can't complain...

    Nominated..

    much love :3

  • 6 years ago

    by Poet on the Piano

    I am so happy I came across your latest piece, it has been too long! This piece just moved my heart, everything about it was touched with longing, a personal grip, and very gentle and fragile tones. My favorite part is when you open up reminiscing about wandering in meadows with this someone, something about that is so pure, it rings as something so innocent to spend the day in. My heart kind of fluttered when you wrote "as did my heart, nested in a heap of butterflies, for you held all its beauty"- these aren't just words, they are dear, deep passages of your soul, and it speaks lengths about this memorable season, this time, maybe that is not everlasting? In the second stanza, I liked the sensation of the falling moths dropping to their death, it was different and eerie, more of a subtle thought turned into an omen- since I never picture moths becoming corpses on the ground. The ending was perfectly pictured in my mind, unable to love and left there with loss. It's indescribable but you still paint something so vulnerable and when it was beautiful at first, it becomes somber, innocent in a tragic way. Amazing to read and go through, it just takes your emotions to a whole new level. Really enjoyed this :) Thanks for writing, MaryAnne

  • 6 years ago

    by ReBecca

    "yet soon you littered them around me
    like limp moths falling to their death,
    mangling all I ever was,
    for you cared not how I felt;"

    This verse struck me deeply. Actually the whole poem did. I know how it feels to have something that starts so promising and ends so tragically to the point that you feel dead inside and that you'll never love again. I know how it feels to be mangled and for that someone to not care how they made you feel. Thank you for writing this.

  • 6 years ago

    by TJ Arizona Eagle

    I found some images hard to grasp but then that's just me. Over all a heartfelt write.

  • 6 years ago

    by Hellon

    You left me that Autumn,
    curled upon that bare patch of grass
    beneath a tree of red raspberries
    that once ripened with my cheeks,
    for I always loved to wander meadows with you
    while my skirt of feathers ruffled with the breeze,
    as did my heart, nested in a heap of butterflies,
    for you held all its beauty -
    ^^
    What a beautiful opening stanza with perfect images. I instantly fell right into the scene you portrayed here. My favourite line..

    while my skirt of feathers ruffled with the breeze,

    Really, really loved this!

    Just a small observation...you used the word 'that' three times and, especially in line 1 and 2 where they are both in the middle caught my eye...maybe fix this up a ittle?

    yet soon you littered them around me
    like limp moths falling to their death,
    mangling all I ever was,
    for you cared not how I felt;
    and now it's as if you left me there all year 'round,
    unable to love again, with a sullen feeling of loss,
    for I've never felt this weightless
    without you.
    ^^
    Again, amazing imagery especially the limp moths.

    This poem was tinged with sadness and, as the title suggests valnerability.

  • 6 years ago

    by The Prince

    I think the title is the mood of the poem so you could say the title gives away too much or it's fitting? I don't really like it but I love the content, or most of it at least.

    'You left me that Autumn,
    curled upon that bare patch of grass
    beneath a tree of red raspberries
    that once ripened with my cheeks'

    This is a good opening stanza. Your line endings have improved and you're taking a lot more care and thought with graphology and how your poem looks on the page, which is nice to see. The only comments I would make here are that you don't need 'red' because it disrupts the flow of the poem and when have raspberries ever been not red? Haha. The ripened with my cheeks line could've sounded clumsy and cliched but you've made it work here. I think it's better the second time around because the language you've used is so lush here.

    'while my skirt of feathers ruffled with the breeze, '

    I might've liked something a bit more concrete here, image wise. Skirt of feathers is too dreamlike, and I know the poem is meant to be dreamlike but ever heard of hyperbole? Too much fairytale imagery towards the end of this stanza. You lose focus momentarily here:

    'as did my heart, nested in a heap of butterflies,
    for you held all its beauty -'

    It doesn't really make any sense except that it might've sounded nice in your head. 'All its beauty' is terrible. I'm really sorry but you're better than that!

    'yet soon you littered them around me
    like limp moths falling to their death,
    mangling all I ever was,
    for you cared not how I felt; '

    I guess I could forgive the 'butterfly' image here, because on second thought the moth image works okay. I think you could phrase it better though. 'Fall to their death' is too ordinary? You agree?

    You sort of lose focus of the images here again:

    'mangling all I ever was'

    Is really clumsy, unfortunately. And you tell the reader too much at the end.

    'and now it's as if you left me there all year 'round,
    unable to love again, with a sullen feeling of loss,
    for I've never felt this weightless
    without you. '

    You were using imagery to tell a story and suddenly you give up and just tell the reader what the persona's feelings are. Get rid of 'unable to love again,' because it's nightmarishly cliche. The last four lines could be removed altogether in hindsight and you could try and work in an image which depicts what you're trying to tell. It starts off as a poem, and ends up as a kind of teenage blog about a lost love. Disappointing ending but it can be salvaged since you seem to have a lot of bright, colourful images swimming in your head already.

  • 6 years ago

    by Jad

    Well, once again I feel myself at a lost of words. I always have had a thing for sad poems but your imagery and feelings blew me away in this poem. I loved how you wrote of a lasting love that you seemed to have but that's now faded. Your words each had a strong message that went much deeper then just what you had. Your imagery paints a story for the reader, with wonderful detailing that went to the smallest areas possible to the big overall picture. You always seem to have a metaphor also with your poems and the ones you have in this one are creative and lively.

    "You left me that Autumn,
    curled upon that bare patch of grass
    beneath a tree of raspberries
    that once ripened with my cheeks,
    for I always loved to wander meadows with you
    while my skirt of feathers ruffled with the breeze,
    as did my heart, nested in a heap of butterflies."
    ^^^
    This was my favorite stanza and I have to say one awesome opening to a poem. Your imagery dances across the lines, as always, and creates a imaginative scene where you are all alone, wishing for this person to come back and set you free of this misery you embrace. Your feelings contain many emotions colliding with one another. You try to move on yet your stuck here hurt by this person who cares not for what he has done but only cares to move on.

    Overall, I liked the poem from start to finish and every single part of this poem is so delicately written. Your talent is simply amazing and I can only marvel at the depth of what you have written. I do hope that you can move on in real life and that those who have hurt you, you can learn to forgive and move on or perhaps they will realize the wrong they have done and come to you and apologize. Anyway, great job and keep writing!

  • 6 years ago

    by Decayed

    I really love this.
    The transformation from the first stanza which is overflowing with pure flawlessness and bright detailed descriptions to the second stanza which reflects the vulnerability, by the way I love the title, is brilliant.

    Great piece.

  • 6 years ago

    by Lostlove1

    I love love love this piece from you temps- hopefully the new judges will see what I see. Best of luck kiddo- this really shines!

  • 6 years ago

    by Innocent Fairy

    I loved how u penned ur feeling into this amazing poem u've written so well and to me it's touching and idk magnificent :) 5/5

  • 6 years ago

    by Britt

    I swear I commented on this piece before.. I know I did read it a few handful of times, so sorry that I'm just now getting to commenting! lol

    This is a different feel from you.. maybe not feel, but the tone is definitely different than your normal. I like that you wrote a little more simply (you know I like simple poetry so that isn't a criticism :D )

    One thing that struck me was your use of tree of raspberries. Raspberries are generally on a bush, but when overgrown, they can look like a tree (I think that is where you were going with it), and that kinds of adds to the abandoned feel. I loved the symbolism there.

    I also like the contrast of butterflies/moths, it definitely brings the image of life/death or something similar. I also like in the second stanza when you used the words 'cared not how I felt'. Typically people would say it the other way around but I think this had some 'older' language structure, and I liked it. :)

    Also like that ending, feeling weightless without you. I really think you wrapped a lot of emotion into this one, loved it.

  • 6 years ago

    by A lonely soul

    A very touching sad verse, matching the emotions to the change in foliage, with changing seasons (lost love).

    Raspberries do come in colors other than red, though rare...yellow, purple and black, hence the original use of "red raspberry" phrase to highlight the "blush with happiness" feeling on the cheeks, was probably very appropriate, before Prince ^ suggested to knock it down.

    The phrase "curled upon that bare patch of grass" seems to so well depict the sad undertones, "bare patch" depicting the emotional loss.

    "skirt of feathers ruffled with the breeze,
    as did my heart, nested in a heap of butterflies"

    Brilliant, original metaphorical use here of the "fluttering heart = butterflies within", to a skirt of feathers ruffling in the breeze.

    Yet soon you littered them around me
    like limp moths falling to their death

    and, similarly an august usage depicting the trampling of (my) love to dying butterflies/moths, as mentioned by Britt ^.

    "mangling all I ever was",

    I am not sure if it should read :
    "mangled (=disfigured/mutilated) I became"
    or "my heart, mangled beyond repair"

    "for you cared not how I felt;
    and now it's as if you left me there all year 'round
    with a sullen feeling of loss,
    for I've never felt this weightless
    without you".

    Powerful, ending lines, ...particularly "I've never felt this weightless
    without you", describing the emptiness left behind from the loss.

    Lastly, so very aptly titled "vulnerability" = emotional injury. A masterpiece, just a little short, for my taste.

  • 6 years ago

    by Lioness

    A beautiful poem.

    I love the way you transferred the emotions between the first and the second stanza - to show the difference in emotions.

    They flowed very easy into each other.

    I know this may sound weird but when you wrote "now it's as if you left me there all year 'round" it kinda reminded me of the twilight movie (huge fan) - the second film where she was left by Edward and the film was focused her when she was sitting in her room and the seasons changed around her.

    I love that image

    Well done

    x
    "

    I love the use of the words "weightless without you" as it was another way to say that you feel empty inside without your significant other!

  • 6 years ago

    by anonymous

    5/5 :)

  • 5 years ago

    by End Of Eternity

    Reading one from you after a very long time & i regret this delay. Almost everything has already been said. Just loved it. Your choice of words leave an open window and rest of the view depends on reader's mind. Great write.

    all the best and take care

  • 5 years ago

    by Lonely Rider

    Oh my look at the imagery ... i don't know where to start ...
    /that once ripened with my cheeks,
    // this line is so adorable ... I loved the way you have constructed it.

    //for I always loved to wander meadows with you
    while my skirt of feathers ruffled with the breeze,
    as did my heart, nested in a heap of butterflies.
    // I could only sigh at the beauty of these words. The images of skirt of feathers is so so so beautiful. The last is the best one... my most fav in the entire poem ... it's so creative ... so touching ... the beauty awes me :D

    //like limp moths falling to their death,
    mangling all I ever was,
    // i loved how the first para brings images of happiness and the second para filled with sorrow. Limp month is such a powerful yet beautiful way to describe the feelings.

    overall a brilliant poem with amazing imagery :)

  • 5 years ago

    by Yakari Gabriel

    This writer has a way of painting things in one's head,
    she is like one of those consistent artist that come across
    as legends simply because they do not disappoint
    with her,it is greatness after greatness after greatness

    "beneath a tree of raspberries
    that once ripened with my cheeks"
    ^
    now,it takes far more then just creativity to even come up with things like that.

    this write melted my heart, and that ending when you reach that ending,sadness at its best too beautiful.

    :*

  • 5 years ago

    by nourayasmine

    Hey Temps!

    I have missed your writes, you haven't been writing much lately and I was just checking your profile (rather stalking it ha) and the title pulled me in. I thought it was a bit too direct at first but then again, it felt like it summed up the whole piece which is something good. I love those one word titles. Not always, sometimes.

    I like how you described the way you had been blithe being around him, your heart resting upon a heap of butterflies, your skirt surging with the breeze, that made me smile and feel comfortable. & I like the way you striked the reader, afterwards, with the image of moths dying. Such a heartbreaking one.

    I can't say I disliked the opening two lines but I felt it was expected and I love unexpected. I wonder if you take the first line and make it an ending one. At the end, you could just say 'you left me that Autumn'. And you could simply start the piece with the descriptions of that raspberry tree. I just imagined your piece would flow better this way. I don't know. Just a suggestion, after all.

    I love the 'weightless without you' too. It emphasized the emptiness you were feeling, or perhaps it could be just a comparison between what you're going through now and what you felt when you were with him? 'Weightless' doesn't always mean a sad feeling to me, you can fly if you're weightless. I don't know. I think I'm thinking too much here.

    I enjoyed the read, anyway, dear. And I hope you write more because I miss it!