Comments : Death Took Him Too

  • 6 years ago

    by Mattias Ostling

    Very interesting poem, and it's very descriptive, which is makes it easy to understand, even if one doesn't know the exact details before reading it.

    Everyone keeps telling me
    you are gone for good
    but it can't be real
    because... because it just can't be!!

    ^My first impression was that the person didn't die, but rather left you. Maybe moved to a different city, or simply disbanded the friendship.

    You said you would always
    be my best friend
    if they are right
    then you lied to me for 120 days!

    Descriptive, and love the first two sentences. I feel that the last line's flow is a bit lacking.

    The day we met
    was my birthday
    I was in the hospital
    its a day I can't ever forget

    "its" is the possessive of it, so its door, or its leg. You're looking for "it's" with an apostrophe for "it is".
    The usage of "can't ever forget" rather than "can never forget", gives the impression that it is something that you must not forget, rather than something you will never forget. I like that a lot, cause that gives the impression that memories are fleeting and you treasure that moment so much, so it is essensial that you keep it.

    We talk all night
    I told you so much
    and you joined in
    until dad and I began to fight...

    "talk" needs to be in past tense as well, since the whole stanza is. So "We talked all night" would be the grammatically correct way.
    The flow is great in this one, if you take a small pause before saying "Began to fight". I would suggest moving that down to a new line, so
    "Until dad and I
    began to fight"
    But that's just my preference, it works really well as it is.
    I really love the emphesis on "And you joined in", to really express that it was a conversaion that both sides enjoyed.

    Almost everyday since then
    you have talked with me
    I learned your whole story
    this can't be the final end.

    I'd throw in a "I learned your whole story
    and you learned mine"
    Followed by your "this can't be the final end"
    To really give emphesis on how you were equals. (assuming you were, this is just from my interpretation)

    I want proof
    that you are gone
    and I'll die too
    just like a magic poof

    I love the simile

    For some reason I cry
    at the thought of you
    and when they say your
    name, I want to go and die.

    Best friend,
    you never did say goodbye
    could you really leave me
    without hinting our end?

    Great job on these stanzas! I love the message-kinda feeling it gives with "Best friend," I'm unsure of what "hinting our end" refers to, however.

    I need you
    did that ever cross
    your mind? How about
    the fact I love you too?

    Please, please don't leave
    if you aren't already gone
    but I can't handle losing
    another cause I won't grieve.

    I got the call today...
    you killed yourself like you planned.
    Congratulations on breaking your promises.
    I guess this is all I had to say.

    Great ending! Loved it. Still unsure of whether he is dead or just left you. My first thoughts are him leaving, but the hit at suicide makes me take a double take.
    I'm thinking that the fact that you met him in a hospital might be a reference to him being mentally ill, or simply in for attempted suicide (as in, injured)? The fact that you fought with your dad makes me wonder, was that over the fact that you spoke to the guy, or something irrelevant?

    This poem really makes me stop and think, and I loved it. But the flow felt a bit staggered, so I'll give it a 4/5.

  • 6 years ago

    by BlueJay

    He died. He committed suicide last week. My dad comes in as in he actually was fighting. I met him while I was in the hospital because I attempted suicide. He old me his story through this site I told him mine through this site. We met cause of this site. Commemorating him as a member of this site was my goal through this piece.

  • 6 years ago

    by average thoughts

    Its so sad to knw al dis hs happend,bt dnt u evr attempt such things..u got it?
    And d poem is realy touching and speaks vry wel abt him..
    Hw much he meant to u and hw similar ur prbs were..