Very interesting poem, and it's very descriptive, which is makes it easy to understand, even if one doesn't know the exact details before reading it.
Everyone keeps telling me
you are gone for good
but it can't be real
because... because it just can't be!!
^My first impression was that the person didn't die, but rather left you. Maybe moved to a different city, or simply disbanded the friendship.
You said you would always
be my best friend
if they are right
then you lied to me for 120 days!
Descriptive, and love the first two sentences. I feel that the last line's flow is a bit lacking.
The day we met
was my birthday
I was in the hospital
its a day I can't ever forget
"its" is the possessive of it, so its door, or its leg. You're looking for "it's" with an apostrophe for "it is".
The usage of "can't ever forget" rather than "can never forget", gives the impression that it is something that you must not forget, rather than something you will never forget. I like that a lot, cause that gives the impression that memories are fleeting and you treasure that moment so much, so it is essensial that you keep it.
We talk all night
I told you so much
and you joined in
until dad and I began to fight...
"talk" needs to be in past tense as well, since the whole stanza is. So "We talked all night" would be the grammatically correct way.
The flow is great in this one, if you take a small pause before saying "Began to fight". I would suggest moving that down to a new line, so
"Until dad and I
began to fight"
But that's just my preference, it works really well as it is.
I really love the emphesis on "And you joined in", to really express that it was a conversaion that both sides enjoyed.
Almost everyday since then
you have talked with me
I learned your whole story
this can't be the final end.
I'd throw in a "I learned your whole story
and you learned mine"
Followed by your "this can't be the final end"
To really give emphesis on how you were equals. (assuming you were, this is just from my interpretation)
I want proof
that you are gone
and I'll die too
just like a magic poof
I love the simile
For some reason I cry
at the thought of you
and when they say your
name, I want to go and die.
you never did say goodbye
could you really leave me
without hinting our end?
Great job on these stanzas! I love the message-kinda feeling it gives with "Best friend," I'm unsure of what "hinting our end" refers to, however.
I need you
did that ever cross
your mind? How about
the fact I love you too?
Please, please don't leave
if you aren't already gone
but I can't handle losing
another cause I won't grieve.
I got the call today...
you killed yourself like you planned.
Congratulations on breaking your promises.
I guess this is all I had to say.
Great ending! Loved it. Still unsure of whether he is dead or just left you. My first thoughts are him leaving, but the hit at suicide makes me take a double take.
I'm thinking that the fact that you met him in a hospital might be a reference to him being mentally ill, or simply in for attempted suicide (as in, injured)? The fact that you fought with your dad makes me wonder, was that over the fact that you spoke to the guy, or something irrelevant?
This poem really makes me stop and think, and I loved it. But the flow felt a bit staggered, so I'll give it a 4/5.
He died. He committed suicide last week. My dad comes in as in he actually was fighting. I met him while I was in the hospital because I attempted suicide. He old me his story through this site I told him mine through this site. We met cause of this site. Commemorating him as a member of this site was my goal through this piece.
6 years ago
by average thoughts
Its so sad to knw al dis hs happend,bt dnt u evr attempt such things..u got it?
And d poem is realy touching and speaks vry wel abt him..
Hw much he meant to u and hw similar ur prbs were..