Comments : Virgo: The Sardonyx Jewel

  • 5 years ago

    by Britt

    Holly*

    This was my favorite poem of the contest (sorry, others. This was spoke to me. lol). There were aspects of it that just hit me emotionally... it is truly a beautiful piece.

    The words/traits that you placed didn't look forced, it looked as though the words were made for you to just put into this poem. I love how you made every flow together so smoothly. I really adored the imagery of the jewel being nestled - nestled really is a great word. So soft, comforting.

    Your second stanza brings out the 'flaws' in a way that still seems pretty, which is odd because those flaws aren't associated with beauty most often lol. I just like the phrasing and found it wonderfully done.

    In the third stanza I believe is what spoke to me the most. It just clicked somewhere in my head, perhaps it's that I share brown eyes with your poem! haha. Something about it just truly worked with and for me!

    I feel the ending you were trying to find a good way to close, and it doesn't seem as strong as the others... the first stanza was definitely a strong, strong opening. BEAUTIFUL!

  • 5 years ago

    by Melpomene

    Holly,*

    I really like the term 'lovers token' something about it interests me endlessly. I've never really heard it before. With this poem I think I was most fond of how universal it felt, of course that was do with the contest but you made it feel 'earthy' which works well with the sign itself. I have to say I agree with Britt, you made the flaws seem really lovely, they were meshed in well with all the beauty of your words.

    'meticulously harsh' I love this sound, when I read them poem out loud this line was sharp which worked well with what you were saying. I think the tone of this was what drew me in. You had a modest voice.

    Personally I would have added a bit more punctuation throughout the poem. As you use some lovely descriptions and words I found it hard to know where to stop and where to begin, where to take a breath and so on. I noticed you capitalized parts of the poem however the full stops weren't evident.

    As for the title I'd just name it 'The Sardonyx Jewel' or 'Virgo' instead.

    Mel

  • 4 years ago

    by WW

    One poem describing one person done in such a way that REALLY stands out. Awesome picture! I have no suggestions title works great, my favorite stanza is the third one, it really pops out to me. 5/5