Wow I can definitely say this is better still a little of somewhere but perhaps in the breaking of flow but great write none the less and I enjoyed reading it,,I love the word choice :) great scenery
My comment before revised---
This feels to me a beautiful picture but a broken puzzle,,it's greatly and amazingly worded and really pulls you in to an abstract dream full of wonders and a glow and a great full moon,,,so great job with scenery :)
5 years ago
Hands, ready to grab the moon
and steal its moonshine
^ I had to stop at these two lines and say: wow! I really like the scenery you have drawn before my eyes especially that it is night in here :)
David, what is better than your comments are your pieces.
I have to tell you that the end,,,, I haven't expected that at all! It was a shocker. I mean 95% of the poem, i was daydreaming with you... I felt even like walking on the moon. But then, in the end, all changed.
5 years ago
Just going to focus on your first two stanzas for now..if that's ok?
I walk slowly
lost in somber thoughts
beneath a half moon sky
amongst sleeping willows
This has no dimension to it IMO.starting a poem off with I annoys me...sorry...and...there's nothing there to keep my interest...
alone, with sombre thoughts
'neath a half moon
I stroll amist sleeping willows???
Feet tread a broken path, lit up
by a soft glow
of ephemeral memories
as thoughts struggle
to find a way around
Once more feet tread a broken path
the soft glow...ephemeral memories
as thought struggle
to find their way...