Comments : My Beautiful Eyes

  • 11 years ago

    by Xanthe

    "I used to hear that laughter"
    ---that=his..
    "My heart throbbed gratefully"
    ---I don't think 'throbbed' here did your poem a favor. It didn't meld with the tone of the piece, I suggest you choose a different verb. And if your verb is well-chosen, you won't need an adverb (gratefully).
    "When he said beautiful things to me,"
    ---Consider revising this to: "When he told me beautiful things" for past. or "Whenever he tells me beautiful things" for present..
    "And molded the nature to my innocent
    mind..."
    ---to=in
    'Nature' might be a metaphor, but it's confusing..
    "He described everything;
    That my eyes can't see"
    ---that=because
    "He said about the butterflies"
    ---the 'he said about' phrase didn't work well. Maybe: "He told me about..."

    I honestly really like the 'story' it holds; the persona is blind, so her friend is describing the world she's living in, in the end she can see and she receives a letter written by her friend to take care of his eyes, he died because of the operation, perhaps? It's a nice story, but it's hard to appreciate with the syntax and grammatical errors..
    -X

  • 11 years ago

    by Angel

    Aw this is really sad. i almost cried but its so beautiful :')

  • 11 years ago

    by Max

    The story here was gr8
    i love it
    and the flow was nice
    the word choice was simple and give the right meaning

    v.good 5/5 keep writing =)

  • 11 years ago

    by Paul Gondwe

    He described everything,
    that my eyes can't see
    ....i don't think the comma is necessary here since its a continuing line, it must be removed for it messes up with the flow of the piece. I do like that you chose to repeat the line after every stanza, that was good and i felt was well placed and added life to the poem.

    He told about the butterflies
    Pouring colors to the flowers,
    He told about the sky
    Portraying the wide blue sea,
    He told about the green fields
    Dancing in the wind breeze,
    He told about the sunshine
    Sparkling to my eyes,
    And he told about the sunset
    Daring as like my lips...
    ......i wanted to suggest you include "me"...as in "He told me about the butterflies"...but then i think to myself that it would lead to too much repetition.

    I used to hear his sweet voice,
    when he told me things were beautiful;
    "How was beautiful looks like?"
    The question I always asked,
    "It looks like you"
    The words he always answered, too.
    I just draw a smile
    And said nothing, but
    Yes! I was a blind.

    ......In line 3 of this stanza, there is a problem with the question 'How was beautiful looks like'..it can be "How does beautiful look like"

    ....The words he always answered, too...i don't think the comma is necessary between answered and too in this line.

    ..."I just draw a smile"...draw in this line must be changed to "drew" since it is in the past tense

    In Stanza 4, the first line.."Now, my world change"..it must be "Now my world changes"

    In the very last stanza, line 3, "Reminiscing him and my tears drop" it should be "Reminiscing about him and my tear drop"..

    I have also noted that you are capitalizing some letters after a comma which should not be the case.
    I must say, i never expected it to end like how it did, i was speechless, i was amazed. The content of this piece was wonderful and brilliant, you have always amazed me with your writings and you dint disappoint here either. Am just sorry he had to pass away. Excellent work.

  • 11 years ago

    by Yrem Crish

    I appreciate your suggestion here...

  • 11 years ago

    by Georgia

    Your such a good writer. This is truly great. Keep writing !

  • 11 years ago

    by Hallucinostic

    I like whole idea of your poem here, very new and somewhat refreshing than most topics we normally see here. You did good in keeping the poem interesting making the length enjoyable and not boring. All in all, very good.

  • 11 years ago

    by sun spots

    It starts of good and just gets better.Well done.

  • 11 years ago

    by CathyButterflyJC

    OMGood ness, I really really love that, what's your secret, it's such a great piece of work, with oyur word choice and the way you made the line, it is great

  • 11 years ago

    by Illusion

    Excellent!!! That's all I could say...

  • 11 years ago

    by PETER EDWARDS

    Really nice piece, although more of a story rather than a poem. I liked all the same

  • 11 years ago

    by L

    I read it and all the way, I picture a good story until I got to the end and I find out he died and that just took me by surprised for some odd reason i didn't expected that and so I didn't feel sad when I read the story since I was not picturing the whole idea. Until I realized that yeah, the friend donated perhaps the cornea or the entire eyes for her... And so now she can see but i feel she might rather be blind.

    You know,
    This reminded me of a movie and also of a music video that I saw a long time ago.

    all in all a good piece. Keep it up.
    I like the incorporation of nature within your piece.
    Nice touch.

  • 11 years ago

    by Wicked Ways

    Wow that was a powerful piece of poetry, it hada sad tone to it too and i was afraid of the ending, and i was right to be how you said he died, and left you a note saying take care of my eyes, I never read a poem like this before, its nice, how you conveyed your message here, howyou miss his his, his voice made everything beautiful, its a really lovely and deeply sadden poem. but a good one none the less. . . keep up the good work

  • 11 years ago

    by honeybump

    I love this! I love the flow and the imagery! Well done! xo

  • 11 years ago

    by CuteThingsGoneWrong

    This was an interesting point of view. I had a blind friend once and i used to ask him why she always wanted to go to the movies with me. Apparently she sees the world much more vivid then either you or I because she paints her own picture.

  • 11 years ago

    by Silent Girl

    I really like the flow of the word's i can picture this :)

  • 11 years ago

    by nouriguess

    Isn't this talking about that movie... What was its title again? Errrm!

  • 11 years ago

    by LittleMermaid

    Well written friend.........i simply loved this!
    i finally found this poem of urs..its really nice!!
    keep writing!

  • 11 years ago

    by Marvellous

    Nothing has come to stay, but truth. When it's high time, summary arrives.

  • 11 years ago

    by Silent Girl

    Very nice poem i can relate :) 5/5