Comments : New subject

  • 11 years ago

    by Thomas

    Former lovers can haunt us for a long time. I have never been in a long relationship but even the short ones hurt.
    All I can say is that thing get better (even though it sounds corny). Feelings will fade away as long as you don't close yourself of from the world and other people.

    Very well written piece

    5/5

  • 11 years ago

    by Ms Happiness

    When someone we love hurts us, or leave, that cause a lot of pain, which will be hard to forget. I love the images in this poem.

    I lay in my room that has been abused
    By my thoughts bouncing off the cieling
    ^^
    I really love the personification in those 2 lines.

    A really awesome piece, great job Chels:)

  • 11 years ago

    by Naughtymouse

    Damn it chels this is one great write, i've looked through these eyes before and there's not much worse than heartache....i love this write going straight into my favs and nominated!

  • 11 years ago

    by Tara Kay

    My eyes are all teary now hun...it's one of those poems that is painstakingly sad and makes the reader feel the emotion through the imagery and wording...

    I like how you used a simple title and worked using this as a main part of your poem and then ending with the meaning of the title,

    The flow was smooth and the lines ran into each other...and made the poem even more emotionally challenging to read...

    LOVED IT

  • 11 years ago

    by Lioness

    I've began to make shadow puppets on my candle lit wall
    Trying to distract my thoughts from revolving around you again
    But even my two hands mouthing silent words
    remind me of our everlasting conversations
    ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
    OMG - This opening was brilliant!!! Oh the connection between silent speaking and not speaking at all, I love the way you have done this. In the first line a little smirk went on my face, not because it was funny because it wasn't of course but I smiled because it is something I actually did the other day. I tried to make puppets from my hand shadows but they never work out. What a way to open up your poem.

    They say to make a list of all my feelings
    then burn it to pieces when I'm done
    But how can I set fire to my ice cold emotions?
    ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
    I love the way you have spoken about the literal temperature of a fire and the temperature of your emotions, this poem is already blowing me away!!!

    Sometimes I think that we continue to write about the same thing because we need to, I think that you have been so hurt by what happened that you haven't fully been able to have any kind of closure and you find yourself talking about the same thing, which is totally fine. I've done that so many times because one subject alone can play a huge part in our lives.

    I really love what you have written here Chels, I absolutely LOVE this write.

    x

  • 11 years ago

    by Hannah Lizette

    Added this to my favorites; I've already read it like 5 times and I love it. When you are trying to write whether you are in love or heartbroken, the piece is always about them. I always try to write different subjects but never finish them or they don't sound right.

  • 11 years ago

    by Jenni

    New Subject
    ^ Even before I read the poem I was wondering what you were refering to, I got the hint that you will try and focus on something else than what you usually write about, but I have to admit that I did not know you meant that lost friendship. I guess I did not read that many of your poems yet to see it happening over and over again or I mostlikely do not get who they are directed to/written about. That is what we have you for though, so that we are able to ask. :P

    I've began to make shadow puppets on my candle lit wall
    ^ I think both "shadow puppets" as well as "candle lit wall" have some connection to the past, while the shadow puppets rather refer to childhood I could imagine, which is in the past, "candle lit wall" actually goes back in time. I mean everybody experiences their childhood and it will be part of their past, but you both placed a moment that has a specific date of being invented/first used(candle light) and a date that varies from person(childhood) to person to your poem, so there is something nostalgic, which is present from the very first verse already.

    Also if you are refering to the person I assume, then you did not know her during your childhood yet, but usually that's when strong friendships start developing and one only sees in time whether they'll last.

    Trying to distract my thoughts from revolving around you again
    But even my two hands mouthing silent words
    remind me of our everlasting conversations
    ^ I thought associating shadow puppets and mouthing silent words was very clever, probably as clever as "everlasting conversations" because it emphasizes that even though that person might not be part of your life anymore, you still think of the conversations you had, they are still present and you can't let go of them.

    They say to make a list of all my feelings
    then burn it to pieces when I'm done
    But how can I set fire to my ice cold emotions?
    ^ I actually only heard that advice when you're trying to move on from a relationship that failed, but I guess a friendship breaking is also a relationship, but I think that you saying your emotions would be cold as ice is some sort of excuse for you not to have to let go.
    If they were cold as ice you wouldn't care about this, but it nags you in some way as you two were pretty close at one moment in time.

    Ridding you from my life completely
    has been like removing heat from the sun
    ^ Hmm I'm not quite sure whether to be satisfied with this or if I had prefered you comparing it to the sun not existing, like this the reader gets the feeling that you two don't go without one another, like the sun simply wouldn't be admired for what it is, if it didn't have the heat, yet I know that both of you can blossom without the other. If you had said "has been like removing the sun", then one could understand the need, as it would enrich you, yet it an be replaced by electricallight and whatnot, not having the same effect, but would work, just like being able to find other friends, but never someone just like that person again. Although I understand why you wrote it like that, as comparing someone to the sun is quite a big deal :P

    You lit and fueled my world when no one could
    giving me complete warmth through kind words
    ^ You picked up the heat by mentioning warmth caused by her/his words, if you followed my idea you could say light and guidance, but it's up to you nonetheless :P

    I rattle my brain with different topics
    that could turn into fascinating poems
    Unfortunately, every over all meaning
    turns out to be how much I'm hurt by you
    ^ Okay, for the first time in your poem I feel how much it actually bothers you that this person still takes so much of your brains capacity and how much his/her actions affected you. The reader knew something must have happened that you were being rather negative throughout your poem, but does not know why and even here we only figure that you got hurt by that person, which is the reason for your anger/disappointment/frustration.

    I lay in my room that has been abused
    By my thoughts bouncing off the ceiling
    and my cries shattering the windows
    Trying to come up with a new subject
    to keep me from personifying your name
    ^You're are giving the reader the feeling that your poem is about to end, I do not know whether you do that knowingly or not, but you do it.
    Your poem has a frame, which would be the room, you started with its walls and then "got carried away" by your thoughts and now you're "back" at the room again, realizing what that person has done to you once again, which pretty much completes the frame.

    But here I am again using the simplest title
    as a new piece that's taken by you
    ^This is heartbreaking, beautiful but heartbreaking and one of those ending lines that are now burnt in my brain and won't be removed from there anytime soon, but I guess that is what writing poems is about too, to intrigue others with your words.

    I am so glad that you do not have any spelling mistakes, I know they sometimes sneak into my poems haha and they distract the reader so much, but you do not have any so +1 for that.

    Now something that bothers me: Chels, where is your punctuation? haha :P I am sorry but I think that would make it even better, as simple as it may be, I think punctuation is beautiful haha! I'd love your poem so much more if you added punctuation.

    I'll have to read the poem once more now that I am done putting it into parts to tell you whether it flows good or not so one sec, yeah I sometimes write whatever thought passes my mind like now lol.
    Okay, so yeah I do think it flows well, but I realized something else that bothers me slightly, which is the fact that your fourth and fifth stanza both start with "I". It doesn't tie the poem together very well, I'd probably recommend some conjunction otherwise it will feel slightly seperated.

    Other than that, brilliant just like Ben said :)

  • 11 years ago

    by PETER EDWARDS

    This is a heartfelt poem, a lovely write.
    So sad, I hope it all ended well..