Comments : Corn Poppy (Tanka)

  • 6 years ago

    by nourayasmine

    Oh no.

    I was JUST stalking your profile and wondered whether to send you a private message letting you know that I miss your poetry and you should submit something, haha, and I read a poem here maybe...then came back to see this and I was so happy! Because I think this is one of the best tankas I've read this month (there were too many, haha)

    I love the title, how it spells just cute, the kind of cute that makes you chuckle. That 'p' sound is really delightful, lovely Jenni. :) I too love the small blossoms, even though not so very keen on the red/bleeding part. I don't know though it is a perfect image. The wind not tickling is soft, well-placed and beautiful.

    I have to admit that it took your forever to post a poem and I was disappointed that it was a tanka, because tankas are short and I wanted to read you for so long. :P

    Good, good poetry, nevertheless.

  • 6 years ago

    by The Poet Behind The Poems

    A really good write i like a good tanka :) defo is

  • 6 years ago

    by The Poet Behind The Poems

    A really good write i like a good tanka :) defo is

  • 6 years ago

    by Tara Kay

    Can I just apologise for not commenting on your poems for a while, trust me though, I have been reading.

    I liked this, because Tanka's are simple but hold much meaning and imagery, this is far from simple. I really love it.

    You are a great poetess, my sweets. Once again, my apologies

    xxxx

  • 6 years ago

    by Purple Rose

    Jenni, this is a very good tanka (I actually understand this one!). However, I have some problems...now I know that in order to be a tanka, there is a certain rhyme scheme - I think it is like 5-7-5-7-7 or something like that.

    Second line, the past participle of 'bleed' is 'bled' not 'bleeded' - I often make this mistake too...I am not trying to make you feel bad :[ I know that his will affect your poem and I am so sorry...

    Also, I believe that the third line will be better starting as 'on' instead of 'in' - that shouldn't really affect anything.

    Other than that it is perfect...please don't be mad at me :(

    Excellent
    5/5

    • 6 years ago

      by Jenni

      I am grateful for you pointing it out, I really did not realize. Changed it and it works now too, though I liked the original version better, but I guess it was wrong haha :P

  • 6 years ago

    by Decayed

    Jenni, you are awesome!

    This piece is awesome!

    Everything about it...

  • 6 years ago

    by L

    Jenni!

    I saw this in the contest, and I was like yes!! I like this tanka then I was counting the syllables and the very last one.. I 'm missing a syllable.. perhaps its me. I'm not sure on this one.

    Winds did not just tickle.. I count 6 instead of 7.

    Winds, is 1, did 1, not1, just 1, tickle, 2... so 6

    perhaps change just to only.

  • 6 years ago

    by Lioness

    Amazing.

    I love it. I love the images and words. So much said for short poem. I think you have done awesome with this form. I seriously need to get back into it and learn new things.

    Awesome!

    x

  • 6 years ago

    by Chelsey

    The beauty in this piece jen...omg I'm so in love....I don't enjoy tanka's too often because I feel that people make them too simple...but this! Ohhh I loved that each blossom were bled on..freaking brilliant :)

  • 6 years ago

    by Hannah Lizette

    You have done this Tanka justice. For such few words, it has wonderful imagery! :)

  • 6 years ago

    by Decayed

    Congrats, my dear :)

    • 6 years ago

      by Jenni

      Thanks a lot Abed! :) You helped make this happen *hugs*

  • 6 years ago

    by nourayasmine

    Congratulations! Yeppers.

  • 6 years ago

    by Lostlove1

    Awesome tanka Jen :) I was glad to see it win! Congrats

  • 6 years ago

    by Xanthe

    I love reading nature poems for the mere fact that I find it a little too hard for me to write one aha, and because they are always open for interpretation and they make me imagine/picture what is written.

    "Last night you gleamed red"

    I was honestly quite skeptical when I first read this. I always thought corn poppies were always red so it seemed redundant. But on second thought, maybe they were a little bit redder or a different shade of red on that particular night (to the persona). I think you could've been more specific with what red because if you think of it, there are a lot of different reds. I didn't know whether they were a darker or lighter red. I would have liked a little more detail, perhaps? It is a tanka though, so the syllable count might've restricted you.

    "as if few hearts bled to death
    on each small blossom."

    I like the 'bled to death...' but I found 'few hearts' a little too awkward. I would have phrased it to something like: "as though my heart bled to death..." But it is purely subjective since I like specificity in poetry. And I like 'though' as opposed to 'if'.
    Just a few suggestions, however. No need to change anything :)

    "The scent is missing today
    since winds did not just tickle."

    Poppies do cause headaches since their scent/odour is too powerful sometimes, most especially when there are a lot, or when they are found growing together in a field. I like how you wrote that the scent is 'missing'. The wind may be a metaphor for change or time. I thought 'tickle' was a cleverly chosen word, and to say that the wind 'did not just tickle' is like saying that it was violent, or that the wind was blowing to a different direction; not on your way.

    A beautiful tanka and a fully deserved win, Jenni. Congrats and keep writing!

  • 6 years ago

    by hayet serenade

    Nice poem carry on

  • 5 years ago

    by Maple Tree

    Tankas are a fun form, and I love it when poets write tankas in the nature genre. This talented poet took this form and ran with it... Beautiful piece! She took me to a field of corn poppies and I felt as though I was laying in the field... The flower itself almost looks as though they are on fire and to see them up close, they do look like corn. The author gave me such a visual display that took my breath away!!! The second and third line was a great mix of broken hearted emotion and love of peaceful nature, love the metaphor...

    "Tickling winds" - when filled with sorrow, the scent is hard to smell, and winds do tickle if your heart is at peace, and if not... well sadness consumes. The author took me to another dimension within this small and delightful tanka!!! Wonderful job on this piece- Well done Jenni