Comments : Deathless hope

  • 11 years ago

    by Khalid M Darwish

    Nice piece! I like it.

  • Now you are not with me?
    the answer is my tears
    whenever i am abnormal
    i can see you
    i can chat with you

    ^^I like the beginning of this. It's quite uniquely put and its strong; somewhat defiant. I think you should capitalise the beginning of each line. Also I think a pause (a comma or semicolon or even a fullstop) should be put after 'tears'. You seem to need a break between the two statements.

    before two years
    same july 15th we were celebrating your birthday
    you said me you never leave me
    but now i can see the flying promises
    life looks like a desert

    ^^Again capitalise the beginning of each line with exception of the fourth line.
    Adjustments:
    line two - I think it would sound better with a 'the' in the beginning.
    line three - 'you said me you never leave me'... I think this would sound better as: 'you said TO me you WOULD never leave me'
    fourth line - the 'i' needs to be capitalised and also I think a fullstop or semicolon needs to be put at the end of the line.
    I love the idea of 'life looks like a desert' - that's how people in love view their life after being left by that special person... lonely, barren, devoid of life. You have worded it in a unique way.

    you loved me three years
    memories of three years rainbow
    dominating my life
    i am not with you
    but i can see you
    i can chat with you
    whenever i am abnormal

    ^^Again with the capitilisation in certain areas.
    line two - I'm not sure about this. There needs to be something before the word 'rainbow' because as it is it makes little sense unfortunately. Maybe a word or two or maybe even just simple punctuation.. I don't know.
    I don't really understand the 'abnormal' part. I saw this above in the first stanza, but haven't really worked it out. Maybe you have to have been in love to understand? I don't know. It seems to me like you're saying whenever you're not yourself, like sometimes you react normally - upset in this case - to the breakup but other times you aren't sane? Like you hallucinate or something... I don't know, just my interpretation.

    i never try to forget you
    because i want to love you more
    i think everything is not real
    "except my tears"
    but still waiting for your next hello
    no death for my hope....

    ^^ I love this ending - 'no death for my hope'. It's quite a powerful line. It also has some vulnerability and beauty to it. Another unique spin on words.

    Overall;
    A few adjustments are needed, but overall a pretty good job. My biggest thing is the punctuation. It's still an English piece and some rules should be adhered to.

    I loved your unique spin on words! You seem to manage to take something simple and twist it so it sounds beautiful and inspiring. I love the ending in particular - it made me completely understand the title of the poem.

    A brilliant job! 5/5