Comments : Entitled

  • 11 years ago

    by Khalid M Darwish

    Sorrowful piece!
    I loved the last stanza the most.

  • 11 years ago

    by Karla

    Nice poem.Keep it up.

  • 11 years ago

    by L

    I wanted to be the one who
    loved you the most, cherished
    you the most, and understood
    you the most. But I always found
    myself competing with your past
    yesterdays, and dreading about
    your tomorrows.

    --- This stanza is the one I can relate the most,

    The repetition of "you the most" worked to your advantage, I really like it because it makes an emphasis on what you wanted to be for this person, and it made it clear for me. Then comes the saddest part, it's tough to compete with the past yesterdays, they always come back to either haunt us or they always stay with us because it's the past after all. I can relate to that part the most, and the dreading about the tomorrows as well, we are not sure how that someone's reaction in the future will be due to the past...

  • 11 years ago

    by Thomas

    Amazing poem!

    This really shows how we sometimes struggle to express how much someone means to us and so we lose that person.

    An elegant way to describe sometimes clumsy behavior

    5/5

  • 11 years ago

    by Dagmar Wilson

    The last stanza really topped the cake
    excellent written

  • 11 years ago

    by Mattias Ostling

    Oh, I loved it so much! Probably the best one you've done, out of the ones I have read.

    Everyone marked a title in
    your calendar. You have been
    a friend .. a brother .. a father
    and a lover, and I am still in a
    struggle to know which one
    of these defines you and me.

    Really amazing first stanza. At first I didn't like the "calendar" metaphor, but after two or three read-throughs I liked it a lot!
    Unable to know who one is to another person is a classic dilemma, one I've had for a long time.

    When my tears were falling
    with the shadows of yesterday
    it wasn't because I was doleful,
    or that your name tasted so
    bittersweet when I murmured
    it in between every sigh.

    Hmm, this stanza feels incomplete. I know you continue the thought in the next one, but I'd personally like if every stanza can stand on its own. This one can't (imo). Perchance it would be worth simply smashing this one and the next one together, that is, disregard form for coherence.

    It's because I envied those who
    could verbalise how special you
    are to them. While all I dared to do
    is to draw my sighs in silence then
    pick my pen to write you another
    poem that will never be read.

    Amazing. This stanza plus the one before it is just golden!
    A few changes you could consider making,
    #1, you use past tense (it wasn't...) in the previous stanza, but you begin this one with present tense (it's...), I would change it to past tense in this one as well (it was because...)
    #2 "then pick my pen to...." could be changed to "then pick my pen and...."

    I wanted to be the one who
    loved you the most, cherished
    you the most, and understood
    you the most. But I always found
    myself competing with your past
    yesterdays, and dreading about
    your tomorrows.

    Love it. Especially the ambiguity in it. Since you write "I wanted", it means
    A) You don't feel that way any more ('cause if you did, it'd have to be "I want",
    B) You necessarily didn't want the person to feel that way (probably because the person already felt that way?), you just wanted to return the feelings, otherwise it'd have been "I wanted you..."

    Great twist, and immediately gives me one or two more interpretations of the poem.

    You are a someone to everyone;
    and everyone you are ... to me.

    The first line is perfect, but I don't like the second one. It just doesn't make sense to me. Not 100% sure I know what you are trying to say.
    Is it that this person is "everyone to me", or "everyone are you are, you are because of me"? Or something like that?

    All in all, epic poem! No doubts one of my favorites. What little nitpicking I've done is just my usual grammar pointers. : D
    5/5

  • 11 years ago

    by Hannah Lizette

    This is no doubt one of your best, in my opinion. It may be because I can relate to it so well. It's like every line you wrote came from my heart.

    I'm not going to break it down and critique because it's perfect to me and I just really can't write the words I would like to... I may come back and edit later with a better comment, lol.

    Adding to my favs! <3

  • 11 years ago

    by nouriguess

    I have been there, Memers. It sucks, ha.