Comments : Only You and Me...

  • I like it. But a few suggestions:

    Third stanza; second line
    I think this line needs re-working.
    It doesn't really make sense; it's either missing a word or needs one of the words changed - I'm thinking 'those'
    Possibly change it to 'and their'

    Third stanza; third line
    I think there needs to be an 's' on the end of 'sand castles'

    Fourth stanza; second line
    This could just be me being silly but is 'hew' meant to be 'dew' - a typo perhaps. I only haven't heard of the word 'hew' except written like 'hue' as in tone/colour. But I could definitely be mistaken...

    Eighth stanza; first line
    'in crowd' should become 'in a crowd' or 'in the crowd' - it doesn't sound right otherwise

    Eighth stanza; fourth line
    This may be intentional, but in case it's not is it meant to read 'you and me' like the rest of the stanzas? or have you intentional written 'me and me'?
    If it is intentional, I think you should just opt to write 'but only me...'

    Now for the praise;
    I really do like it.

    I loved the repetition of the line:
    'but only you and me...'
    Repitition of one line or word can sometimes become cluttered, but it is not the case here. You have managed to use it advantageously.

    I also like the use of imagery.
    It was clear throughout the entire piece and really added to its impact and expression.

    The final sign off:
    'Love You Always,
    "The Dead Poet" '
    I really thought that was a nice touch, because I truly thought this was a love poem intended to be given to someone you care about.

    Also, you have managed to create the pace of the poem perfectly. It's a rather relaxing, enjoyable piece.

    One more thing - the snippets of rhyme throughout the piece. Your rhyme pattern was forever changing which made it so unique. I, personally, really enjoyed its crazy scheme.

    Excellent work! 5/5

    Might I add, Welcome to the site!
    Hope you enjoy it as much as its current members. (:

    • 11 years ago

      by The Dead Poet

      @Infinite Catastrophe aka Alisha

      thnxx for so much praises...:)
      ur sugesstions r duly noted boss....
      n "but only me and me" was intentional...
      i think "but, my love, only me" will work fine...:)
      rest of ur suggestions were rocking...will work on my english next time....:P