Comments : A Miner's Struggle

  • Opinions;
    Yes, I think it is too short. But a really great start. (:

    A very vivid picture is already forming and it already holds quite a bit of emotion.

    I can already tell its going to be another brilliant write from you.

    I know the feeling with posting from your phone - it is very annoying sometimes.

    Will have to comment again once it is complete. (:

    ****** POEM COMPLETED ********

    I don't think much was added (if any) but the arrangement is completely different and seems to add length to the piece.

    Coal dusted face,
    hardened eyes
    with wrinkled worries,

    ^^ I like how you have separated this as its own stanza. This seems to be the "negative" parts of the story until it builds up to the more "positive" part in the following stanza.

    his baby girl stumbles
    in his dirty mining boots,
    swallowing his pride
    and wiping his tears,
    he has a genuine smile
    for the first time in weeks.

    ^^This is so beautiful and kind of sad. I agree with "Everlasting" that this sounds like the father has been trapped whilst mining and only has just emerged safely after thoughts of death have invaded his mind for the past few weeks..?

    Overall; this is such a powerful, emotional write. Vivid imagery. And a positive message too: Don't give up hope. It's subtle, but there.

    Well penned. 5/5

  • 5 years ago

    by L

    I think you described the struggled this man went to.. my first impression was that the miner perhaps was entrapped within the cave for weeks like some have and hence the genuine smile when he sees his daughter. I like it.. the only thing lol, I thought that the note was also part of the poem. haha, and I was reading it and thinking eh? is this the poem too.. till I just read that it didn't let you edit via your phone. But the short poem it's nice. It makes one think.

    Suggestion: Once you are in your computer just rearrange perhaps in to littler stanzas. I don't think it's too short, I like it because it gave me enough info to come up with my own ideas.. the last line gave me a sense of relief. But if you wish to extend it then it's all right too, however, in my opinion this is short and sweet (cool).

    Coal dusted face,
    hardened eyes
    with wrinkled worries,

    his baby girl stumbles
    in his dirty mining boots,
    swallowing his pride
    and wiping his tears,
    he has a genuine smile
    for the first time in weeks

  • 5 years ago

    by The Poet Behind The Poems

    I don't think it's too short it still sends a message and creates a vivid image

    Really good write :)

  • 5 years ago

    by Meme

    Well the words really did capture my emotions and my attention. The story is so vivid, I can almost see it. This could be the beginning of a great piece, and at the same time it could stand alone the way it is. Just fix the format of it :-)

    Already love this Hannah <3

  • 5 years ago

    by Dagmar Wilson

    I absolutely adore this write Hannah
    You know I am into short poetry

  • 5 years ago

    by Khalid

    I loved the story in total. It gave me an impression about the strong relation between a father and his baby girl, so sweet.
    Some adjustment, I think has to be made:

    Coal dusted face,
    hardened eyes
    with wrinkled worries,

    his baby girl stumbles
    Just start with a capital letter

    in his dirty mining boots,
    swallowing his pride
    and wiping his tears,

    I think there should be a full-stop instead of a comma

    he has a genuine smile
    Again the capital letter

    for the first time in weeks.

    Finally the poem should be like that:

    Coal dusted face,
    hardened eyes
    with wrinkled worries,

    His baby girl stumbles
    in his dirty mining boots,
    swallowing his pride
    and wiping his tears.
    He has a genuine smile
    for the first time in weeks.

    I enjoyed reading the story.

  • 5 years ago

    by Baby Rainbow

    Wow, what a lovely, moving, sad and yet touching poem! I can clearly the picture the scene and the bond of father and daughter, you have used miners in this write but it made me think of all the soldiers and other fathers out there who's jobs make them distant from their family.

    Really loved this one and it leaves you with a lot of feelings of happiness and sadness but yet just thankful that in this poem he gets this moment with his child. Lovely. x

  • 5 years ago

    by Whiskurz

    My Grandfather was a coal miner in West Virginia.....I enjoyed this......Whisk

  • 4 years ago

    by Masked metaphor

    Coal dusted face,
    hardened eyes
    with wrinkled worries,
    ^^
    I love the way you have orientated this poem with such vivid descriptions allowing the reader to clearly materialise the character out of your words such a beautiful crafted technique you have used!

    his baby girl stumbles
    in his dirty mining boots,
    swallowing his pride
    and wiping his tears,
    he has a genuine smile
    for the first time in weeks.
    ^^
    Wow such a beautiful portrait this poem has shaped into such a lovely way to display and depict a relationship between a father, his daughter and his job!

    I liked the descriptions of not only appearance but emotions as well has made this poem amazing and a nice read!

    5.5 from me