As I Say Goodbye.

by Emily   Aug 22, 2012


You see me lying here.
So helpless and bland.
You see me lying here, asking for your hand.

Clentched in misery.
You can see the fear in my eyes.
Question after question.
Lie after lie.

The smell of sterility fills this haunting air.
Its here, in these walls, that I find deaths lair.
I taste deaths breath with every painful inhale.

I see my family laughing.
All I can do is smile at them.
But, die inside.

My skin grows weak and pale.
My mind is slipping and my body breaking.
I dont know why or how long it is taking.

I reach for your hand.
Just to take it in mine.
I promised to be strong.

I know what you see,
when you look upon whats left.
But believe me when I tell you,
my heart has truely felt theft.

I lay here fading.
I wont know how long.

All I want is to be in a place without pain.
A place in the sky with one more rising sun....

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  • You see me lying here.
    So helpless and bland.
    You see me lying here, asking for your hand.

    ^^
    A great opening!
    Personally, I would suggest breaking the last line into two separate lines:

    'You see me lying here,
    asking for your hand.

    Also, instead of a fullstop at the end of the first line, try a comma.

    Great imagery in this stanza and as I said, a great opener - gives the reader an idea of what the poem will be about, and early emotions.

    Clentched in misery.
    You can see the fear in my eyes.
    Question after question.
    Lie after lie.

    ^^
    'Clentched' - remove the 't' - 'clenched'
    I love the last two lines (well the whole stanza really) in particular! They were so powerful - you have chosen the format with care here. Perfect.
    Again great imagery and perfect emotion.

    The smell of sterility fills this haunting air.
    Its here, in these walls, that I find deaths lair.
    I taste deaths breath with every painful inhale.

    ^^
    I think you need an apostrophe in deaths - because I feel like you are personifying death, not using a plural.
    This really gives a sense of scene - the taste, smell, sight and feel. Perfect writing here - fantastic description! (:

    I see my family laughing.
    All I can do is smile at them.
    But, die inside.

    ^^
    Personally, I feel like the last line is incomplete somehow. I don't know why or even how, to me it just seems incomplete. Weird I know, sorry I can't be more explanatory.
    This stanza (well again the whole poem really) has a somewhat dark feel to it - I guess depression for everyone can be different and it is dark time in someone's life emotionally.

    My skin grows weak and pale.
    My mind is slipping and my body breaking.
    I dont know why or how long it is taking.

    ^^
    Again great imagery.
    The emotion again seeps through your words.

    I reach for your hand.
    Just to take it in mine.
    I promised to be strong.

    ^^
    This stanza feels like it is missing a parting line - again perhaps that's just me. It seems fine in every other way. Maybe I'm just being really picky today - which if I am, I sincerely apologise!!
    To me, the hand seems to signify hope - so by taking the hand in yours, you are grasping at/for hope. Hope to overcome this depression you find yourself trapped in.

    I know what you see,
    when you look upon whats left.
    But believe me when I tell you,
    my heart has truely felt theft.

    ^^
    'Truely' - should be 'truly'
    So from this stanza, I get the impression that you have slipped into this depression because someone you loved has walked out on you..?

    I lay here fading.
    I wont know how long.

    ^^
    No one knows how long they have until death... it's a big part of the reason it makes it so scary to many people.
    In this stanza, it feels like you've given up hope, that you don't want to live because it's not worth it without the person you speak of above..?

    All I want is to be in a place without pain.
    A place in the sky with one more rising sun....

    ^^
    I love this ending. It's quite powerful.
    And I suppose, it's what all people in depression want - to rid themselves of that pain and suffering - to be free of the darkness that surrounds their soul.
    Perfect ending, well chosen.

    Overall;
    Well, WOW!
    I realise, perhaps in some areas, I was definitely a too picky, lol. SORRY! But hopefully with my suggestions you can improve this poem to make it even better than it already is.
    I liked the format - it was unique to me and added emphasis to specific parts of the poem, which I suppose was on purpose.
    I also liked the scattered rhyme - I don't think you had a rhyme pattern as such, which made it more unique and more lovable for that very reason.
    The emotion you have expressed throughout the piece is very vivid.
    To some parts I can relate, probably many can - depression is a nasty little bugger. Hopefully you can overcome this soon.

    5/5

  • 11 years ago

    by Baby Rainbow

    This poem speaks of a very deep depression and lonely feeling, sad to read about as the emotion is quite strong and so I assume it is of truth.

    nicely worded poem and I liked the way you broke it up.

    Keep writing