Empty Envelope [Ottava Rima]

by Melpomene   Sep 4, 2012


The letter I probably should have written...

Our love was a string of haiku; and I
forgot to tell you that your skin looked like a
chalkboard when you are sleeping, sometimes my
mind would pencil a lonely winters bay
against the muscle of your outer thigh
and brighten violets sprouting from decay.
I remember your spine more than your face
and when you left I tried hard to retrace

the moment you banished your backbone and
the sight of having to grow mine. I always
said you held planets between your lips, grand
pianos sighted on your hips, there were days
our home was a tree of fairy lights, your hands
were muses blooming autumn nights, bright blaze,
sleepless fights. Your body wrapped in seasons,
a treasure map, a false sense of Eden.

Club challenge: A letter written to someone you love.
-Had to be in a form.
-Had to include sight/sighted, bright/brighten.
-Had to include a mythological creature

^Basically Britt sucks.

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  • The letter I probably should have written...

    ^^
    I'm not sure if this is meant to be part of the poem or not, but either way it could work.

    Our love was a string of haiku; and I
    ^^
    I love this beginning - WOW! Kind of poetic simple but so so beautiful.

    forgot to tell you that your skin looked like a
    chalkboard when you are sleeping, sometimes my
    ^^
    'chalkboard' is not something I would have associated with love at all .. even whiteboard would be more appropriate in my eyes, but this really, truly works. I love the originality.

    mind would pencil a lonely winters bay
    against the muscle of your outer thigh
    and brighten violets sprouting from decay.

    ^^
    I again love your originality with the use of 'violets sprouting from decay' - I love that implied meaning of strength and rising above after something so horrible. Completely beautiful.

    I remember your spine more than your face
    and when you left I tried hard to retrace
    ^^
    I have three similar interpretations here.
    Firstly, that you remember the 'spine' better because you were always embraced in a beautiful love.
    Secondly, that you remember the 'spine' better because you remember the sadness that you felt when they walked away, the image of their back, not their face looking back ...?
    Thirdly, that all superficical elements couldn't compare to those emotions or parts you associated this person to.
    It could even to an extent mean all of the above -- which is extremely clever to have such many emotions. But either way, WOW!

    the moment you banished your backbone and
    the sight of having to grow mine. I always
    ^^
    Makes me think about vows in marriage 'for sickness and health' -- like this person couldn't be there in this way for you.

    said you held planets between your lips, grand
    pianos sighted on your hips, there were days
    our home was a tree of fairy lights, your hands
    were muses blooming autumn nights, bright blaze,
    sleepless fights. Your body wrapped in seasons,
    a treasure map, a false sense of Eden.

    ^^
    WOW! This last stanza truly leaves me speechless... I don't think I'm going to recover any time soon.
    Flawless rhyme, flow, pace, imagery ... WOW WOW WOW!

    Never stop writing! 5/5

  • 5 years ago

    by nourayasmine

    So time for a proper comment. :P

    I have been loving all your work lately. I love it all the time, anyways, but oh my, Mel, you're writing magic recently.

    Let me go directly to the poem as I have not so much time and am pretty sure you don't want to hear my latest updates, haha. I really loved how you started it with the reference to haikus; haikus are short and impressive, usually descriptive and speaking of nature and the 'string' bit was smart. I have used the word 'haiku' in my poetry so much and it means something to me, something so bittersweet, I was really glad to see it representing something to you too. Such a nice opening to say the least!

    I don't know why but I am linking the 'string' to his 'skin' or maybe 'spine', also linking the 'chalkboard' to 'pencil'. The chalkboard addition made me feel insecure, as chalkboards remind me of school, childhood and all those old, nostalgic things. Then again, you said 'bay' and I was like 'mhm, this was intentional...she means me, yes she does', I just loved it. Really loved it, the outer thigh and the reference to Winter were really sensual, and then you mentioned 'retrace' as if you are really trying your best to remember all those details of you and him. Just heartbreaking.

    I am well aware that I am rambling here but I have no other choice, this piece left me speechless as everything you write does. I just promised myself to come back and comment.
    As Britt said, I LOVE the inner rhymes as well, lips/hips and the lights/nights/fights one too, dunno if there is more but that's what I could catch. Of course, each break of a line has a meaning and I began to understand your lines breaks. Haha. :P

    What I couldn't believe...is how perfectly you used the 'false sense of Eden' sentence. Wow. Like all those stuff you've been feeling were just fake and ....it's true they hold a sweet meaning yet it hurts to realise they were never meant to be everlasting - unlike Eden. Just wow...

    I really fell in love with this piece, Melissa. I cannot stop reading it and I'm sad to see this not making it to the front page. It belongs there.
    And I'm sorry for my awful comment. =p
    My thoughts are random and I'm finding it hard to write properly as of late.

    Wonderful.

  • 5 years ago

    by Decayed

    What a beautiful piece, Mel. I'm trying to comment thoroughly, but I find it hard since you always go abstract, and you always have this unique touch of making your lover's body a collage/mosaique of streets, cities, lights, mythologies, music, and poetry.

    And what's more unique is that your lines are longer than most writers'; through this way, I remain breathless till the end, not because I'm tired or so, but because you take me away to Europe, always :P hehe

    (Y) LIKE (Y)

  • 5 years ago

    by Maple Tree

    I have always admired your poetry and this poem reminds me of why... your word usage!

    Within this piece you have worded your feelings in such a way that it is mind boggling.. and I love that. Then you also crafted this piece into an Ottava Rima which fits really beautiful with this piece....

    Two lines stuck out and got me the most:

    "I remember your spine more than your face"

    ^^^^^ this line here is so powerful, its worded in such a way that makes this poem pretty... but the depth of this line screams powerful emotions as well... to me it makes a statement of he turned his back on you.. and that pained you deeply... :-( what an awesome and creative way to display hurtful feelings towards someone....

    and then:

    "Your body wrapped in seasons,
    a treasure map, a false sense of Eden."

    Your ending line says it all..... He may have been handsome, but confusing as well, hence the wording of "treasure map" and saying a false sense of Eden really got me....

    sighs.... I will always admire and adore your poetry and this poem here, goes on my list of favorites by you.... very nice Mel~

  • 5 years ago

    by Mr Rush

    So much to admire in this one, particularly as the form is a firm favourite of mine. Your use of rhyme and enjambment is skillful and shows a willingness to place meter before obvious need for line breaks which I find so refreshing. Strictly speaking, this isn't written in iambic pentameter, however the idiosyncracies of your work, including enjambment between stanzas, and feminine syllable rhymes which probably shouldn't work, yet somehow they do, makes me find this so endearing to read.

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