Comments : Irreplaceable King

  • 11 years ago

    by Chelsey

    I love the details of this poem! The imagery, the flashback, the adorable story. I like how you've taken a "father-daughter" dance and put a fairytale twist on it giving your readers even more of a reason to fall in love with this moment and the emotions involved. There is only one chunk id take out here,

    " It feels like I am gliding like a bird soaring the sky. High above the fluffy clouds like the ones in fairy tales. With clear blue skies and brightly coloured rainbows, where the blue birds fly and the unicorns sing and dance."

    You stated blue skies and birds twice. To flow better you could just reword it that way you're only stating it once. However, I still thought this poem was the best due to everything you added. (Imagery. Flashback, emotion, fairytale words) well done!

    ^ that was my comment and I see you take constructive critisim well and corrected the repitition. It flows so much better now! I love this!

  • 11 years ago

    by Stephen

    Aw this is so adorable. I love how descriptive you are from the beginning until the ending of the poem. It really created a movie in my mind as I was reading, where the poem seemed to have actually came to life. Amazing job. Moments like the ones you described last forever in our hearts and you express your love for your father in a beautiful way here.

  • FIRSTLY: Your title.
    Absolute perfection. I wasn't entirely sure how this would go, especially being in the 'friendship' folder. But wow! The content completely exceeded my expectations - as your writing often does.

    SO ANYWAY....

    The twinkling ceiling lights reflect on my tiara,
    making the diamonds sparkle bright.
    Twirling around at the speed of sound

    ^^
    I think that it should have read 'speed of light' instead -- nothing's faster than the speed of light, and when twirling we tend to feel above everything else, separated from the world, a feeling which to me at least 'speed of light' represents with its inaccessibility.

    with my beautiful wedding dress floating through the air.
    The golden floor beneath me spins,
    it captures me in a past memory,
    The DJ playing the same old song
    which takes me back in time.

    ^^
    I loved the description - everything was captured perfectly, and created a clear picture within my mind. The last three lines really draw the reader back into the past -- not only the past of your life in which you describe, but their own as forgotten memories are awakened. *Maybe that's just me.

    I am 6 years old with long blonde hair,
    wearing pearls around my neck.
    I no longer recall the occasion I'm at
    but will forever relive this happiness.
    Stepping upon my fathers shoes
    he teaches me how to dance.
    Every time he lifts his feet
    he carries me with him.
    It feels like I am gliding
    like a bird soaring the sky.
    High above the fluffy clouds
    like the ones in fairy tales.
    With brightly coloured rainbows
    creating fascinating arches
    that the unicorns dance along.
    It was in this moment I realised
    how special my father was.
    How lucky I felt that my first dance
    was with this gentle man.

    ^^
    OHMIGAWSH! The imagery here is WOW! So much attention to detail! It's as if the reader is the little girl (you) in the story.
    Also, a beautiful narration of a bond between father and daughter, and a snippet of your past life.

    The sound of guests applauding
    brings me back to the present time.
    I gaze into my father's eyes
    as he adoringly looks back.
    It's on this day he lets me go
    so I can grow into a woman.
    He shares me with another man
    whom I know is my charming prince.
    I receive the same respect from him
    that my father always gave.
    I will always be my daddy's girl,
    his little pink princess.
    And today I may have married
    the man I chose to be my prince.
    But this poem will show that in my heart
    my father will forever be my king,

    And how much I love him so......

    ^^
    I love these last lines...
    'the man I chose to be my prince/... in my heart/ my father will forever be my king...'
    ^They are truly beautiful and I wish I had such a close and seemingly unbreakable bond as you have with your father.

    Again, your attention to detail is superb. I loved the whole narration with the combination of fairy-tale and reality crossed between past and present.
    ^Truly unique narration.

    I love love love this piece. It's beautifully written. 5/5

    I'm adding this to my favourites AND it deserves a nomination! (:

  • 11 years ago

    by Hannah Lizette

    I love how we had the same idea in the challenge. :D However, yours is a thousand times better than mine! Those details... oh god, girl. You blew me away! Definitely a well deserved win! <3