Comments : A forbidden love[Rictameter]

  • 11 years ago

    by Boy

    Great way to explain the words and expression. its stylish. though the poem is sad. i love sad poetry..
    this poem has the meaning behind it.. very meaningful writing. welldone

  • 11 years ago

    by Chelsey

    Ahhh Amreen, this was so deep and so sad. Thank you for the insight on what this poem was about , I actually read that first before I read the poem, and it helped so much to feel the pain, to know exactly what was being described.

    I loved rictameters, such an interesting topic to try and fit into one, but I think you did very well with it. It saddens me to know girls had/have to feel this way. Girls are worth so much, they should be respected not mistreated. Well done, lovely piece.

  • 11 years ago

    by LittleMermaid

    Excellent piece Amreen!
    *_*

  • 11 years ago

    by Amreen

    Its 2 4 6 8 10 and then 8 6 4 2

  • 11 years ago

    by Adelle

    This Rictameter is interesting. I draw from it the story although I struggle to feel the emotion as it doesn't feel, when I am reading it, like it flows. I am not experienced in reading poems that are written as a Rictameter so it may just be me. I haven't felt the same depth of emotion in this that I have been enjoying in your other work.

  • 11 years ago

    by Yrem Crish

    This is an amazing piece and very creative style. I love the way you write it. Great work:))

  • 11 years ago

    by Khalid M Darwish

    Great piece Amreen! I really loved it. Some critiques:
    There's no need for all commas you wrote. To start with a capital letter is important.
    The syllables' counting showed 2/4/6/8/10/9/7/4/2 according to the syllable counter in the web:
    http://www.poetrysoup.com/poetry_resources/syllable_counter.aspx

    That's because the words society has 4 syllables (not three) and learned has 2 (not 1).
    I guess the final shape of the poem after changing some words would read:
    Her life
    gifted her pain
    repentance and sorrow
    Her parents killed her innocence
    to show the evils of gender-bias
    invading their society
    She hence learned that girls
    worth no love in
    their lives
    You can ignore me if you want but even though I really enjoyed reading this piece. Keep up. Good luck

    • 11 years ago

      by Amreen

      That is very nice of you khalid sir to detail me with the editions here... I agree with the editions you would like me to do... it will help me to show my work in a much proper way and the message it speaks out... I am happy that you liked my work and put your time into making this a much better piece... And the changes you said are worth being incorporated.. this is my first attempt towards making a rictameter and so keeping pace with every constraint was a challenge in itself... and your help makes it much better... :)

  • 11 years ago

    by Marvellous

    Injustice is the worst insult. Every deed, awaits recompense. Unfortunate, though quite heart-felt. Thank God for civilization.

  • 11 years ago

    by Decayed

    Oh, Amreen, you nailed this one. It's beautiful, the topic, your wording, and your creativity in shaping your thoughts in a restricted form, so that has a double appreciation :)

    Regarding your content, I read about this inhumane deed a lot. Actually it dates back to ancient history, before Islam arose. People used to bury their girl newborns alive because as they claimed, they were a disgrace to the family... and useless... Our prophet said that what they did is totally horrible. And since then, our Arabian countries have stopped that. Probably, it is still found where you live, as you said.... because of illiteracy, yes.... some parts of the world aren't enlightened with the slightest of knowledge, and that of course is the governments' fault.

    Anyway, in Koran, there is a verse that says:

    "And if the buried-alive girl was asked, for what deeds was I murdered?" .... meaning that this buried girl will ask her parents why did they do so for them to be punished.

    --- Oh, I spoke a lot :P sorry... hehe.... Beautiful piece of art.

  • 11 years ago

    by Jenna Bella Oldridge

    This poem covered an interesting topic. I found myself feeling very sad at the end as the poem really does make you think. As for the type of poem you wrote I'd never came across it before so that was interesting too.

    5/5

  • 11 years ago

    by The Queen of Spades

    Amazing! I love the 2 opening lines "her life gifted her pain" That's so beautiful. Thank you for writing in a unique style as well, it's always interesting to see what kind of poetic forms are out there and it's very helpful to other aspiring poets!

    5/5

  • 11 years ago

    by Ingrid

    Brilliant work, sweet girl:)

    Keep going, don't let anyone divert you.

    5/5 Ingrid

  • 11 years ago

    by East Poetry

    What a sad and tragic thing, I really like the style of that poem, it's funny that explaining the type of poem it is, take longer then the poem itself. I hope you won the contest you entered it into.

  • 11 years ago

    by PETER EDWARDS

    Wow! What sweet poetry! Amreen, I can't add anything further to the comments already placed on this page, other than to say that I am in awe of you as a Poet!

  • 11 years ago

    by Hannah Lizette

    I dont understand what their thought process was...girls as a curse? if it wasnt for women, human beings would be extinct. im glad it is in the past... such a horrible time.
    on to your poem i love the form, i have never tried one... im not very good with forms but i will have to try. :)
    you turned a heartbreaking story into something beautiful. i love "her life gifted her pain" ...very sad.

  • 11 years ago

    by Vanesa

    I love this! Honesty, this is probally one of the best rictameters ive ever read, and such a great topic to write so little on, and make the readers feel so much!

  • Again, this is an incredible write.

    The emotion.
    This is so, so strong throughout. Those first two lines grab hold of the reader and don't let go. Being such a short poem does not hinder it's emotion one bit - it's as powerful and impactful as ever.

    The message.
    Again another good message. People should be aware of this, even if it is dying out slowly. It's a form of sexism and it's really rather sad.

    The form.
    I like this form. It's short but to the point. It doesn't waste time on describing something horrible, it just tells readers what it is, and what they should know. This was a good choice.

    Word choice/arrangement.
    Brilliant/Flawless. Enough said.

    The title.
    Ok, the title works, but personally I'm not all that much a fan of it. I like the fact that it draws people in, but I think that it could be perhaps more specific to the content. As it is, it seems to appear as a sad love story rather than something much much more important and needing to be heard. I'm sorry but I don't have any suggestions at present.

    Overall;
    This is another faultless poem. I cannot critique it, for there is nothing for me to critique. Which is fantastic. Overall, this piece is a truly incredible piece. I like the length, it really works and I love the message and content.

    Well penned. 5/5

  • 11 years ago

    by Cheyenne

    Nice style of poem,
    and a such a good use of such a sad topic :)

  • 11 years ago

    by Lune de ma vie

    Another deep poem with a strong message behind it. I am not very good at writing certain type of poems, I usually just write to write but you were easily able to have this poem flow. Made me sad and feel the pain within it, mainly after reading what it is about.

  • 11 years ago

    by Yakori bint Muhammed

    I love how you talk about prevailing topics in the societies. Such an honest portrayal with a deep message. These practices are also rampant in Africa in the midieval times. Such acts are now extinct but still do prevail in remote rural precints.

    In my country, Nigeria, it was common in the Southern and Western regions. Where before the advent of Christianity, such were practised. They bury, the female child immediately after birth. With the arrival of the Christian missionaries, the barbaric act was stopped gradually. The North-Eastern regions was bereft of such illegal acts, due to the strength of the Islamic religion on its people.

    I believe with more awareness and preaching, it'll be extinct. However, lots of idol worshippers and traditionalist still conform to their fetish ways. A great write. Keep it up!