Orbital Fail (Collab)

Child, you need to read and experience more about life and existence:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brain_in_a_vat

Also, child, keep chuckling... because the day we come when your brain will command your heart and eventually you'll hit the truth ike a thousand bricks, and you'll see the remnants of your baby teeth lodged on a wall.

If it's true that you study poetry, someday you'll learn and hear my imaginary voice speaking truth. Good bye and I'm sorry I hurt your feelings. And al though I'm always sorry, I hope this still can mean something.

Hahaha... Am cracking up... Lol, well said emerald beauty..

^^^^ Why did you waste all that time in your day to tell us how bad this poem is? Have you nothing else to do? I appreciate different opinions and for you to not like it, thats totally fine, but I must say your analysis is a bit over exaggerated and I can tell you were fishing for anything to say that would make us think our poem sucked....but in fact sir, you've done nothing but make us laugh because youre just another person who clearly does not have a deep passion for poetry the way we do because as everyone has stated before, this metaphor is highly unique. There are hundreds of poets on this site, and this metaphor hasn't been used once. That says something.....Why don't you tilt your head a little bit and let poetry speak to you with an open mind..I have read the ONE poem you have up, and that really made me chuckle for you to act like you know so much about poetry and writing, I was surprised when that poem DIDNT blow me away...brain inside a vacuum?? Really?...lets not even go there....

Alls Im saying is, THANK YOU for boosting my ego and making me feel even more special that you took the time to break down our poem and bug us, when really it gave me a much needed chuckle. Youre so sweet.

The first stanza is too crowded for a trivial thought. "Equator", which personally I don't agree being inserted in the poem. Why not simply make it the title and let the audience react to its' realization - once they've read the poem?

Also, what was the aim in explaining that the speaker and the lover share pet names, only to say that the speaker does not remember the ones that made her smile? Because it becomes an unnecessary information that can drive the reader into thinking other things. Should we take the first stanza as a "story" that tells the lover's personality? That they like giving out pet names, if so, are their combined personality simply summarized in the name provided? Are we all summarized to a name? Sometimes we are, an existentialist would say we are definitely not - whatever your position is, this could be a good start before deriving supporting stanzas/statements

"Stuck in between those
broken echoed beats"
^ what should this "sound" like. Horrible image here. Don't force metaphors. Stuck between an echo? What's a broken echo (one that does not repeat??? Then it isn't an echo), there are different kinds of beats, which should we imagine? There aren't enough clues (a cave, perhaps, a deep well, inside a stationary vehicle between the tracks of an incoming train), such details can add to the element of sound and imagery you wish to create. We know the sound of echoes in a cave, in a well, and the siren of an incoming train may feel like an echo for a terrified person, with the complement of a broken beating of a heart).

you made sure to carve
a line of bitterness within
me before storming your
way out of my life.
^ I dislike this. The image of the "you" character here is lazy and a bit revolting. How does one carve a line of bitterness? Sadly, I suppose? So the "you" here is sad for a bit, then would suddenly storm out, like a kid caught with his hands in the cookie jar.

"nonseasonal rain of tears"
^ should we really take note that the rain is non-seasonal? What's the point?

I'm trapped in pieces of
latitude and longitude
^ very hard to picture, so the pieces are scattered? Not entirely I guess because latitude, longitude, creates the image of both vertical and horizontal lines. Meaning, the pieces are limited, they are not divided into multiple shapes. The world, the atlas, is your metaphor here, it has latitudes and longitudes, and degrees to better measure your place. In following your metaphor, is shouldn't be that difficult to locate your true feelings, much more like searching for Hawaii in a map.

You've mapped out a new
direction these days,
^ when is these days? On your 2nd stanza, the person this poem is addressed to has left out your life, now we are to believe the person has been mapping out new directions...

If you use a metaphor, use it wisely, research about it. The last stanza made an effect as if the reason the speaker used "Equator" is because it simply:
split in half every
heart that coordinates with
yours, and leave it there torn
apart between the poles of
the unknown.
^ really?

Oh my gosh thank you guys so much, now I want us to win Meme! Lol