Comments : I know this sand artist...

  • 11 years ago

    by Khalid M Darwish

    Amreen!!!!!! This poem makes everyone cry!!!!! That's probably because no body knows what the nature includes among these people you're talking about. These people need someone to inform the world about their situation.

    I know this sand artist,
    who speaks beautiful stories
    with his hand,
    using lifeless granules of sand.

    A thoroughly beautiful start, indicating you are in a close distance to that sand artist.

    ^^^^

    I know his
    art of exuberance,
    which shares vivacious shades of life
    by its colorlessness.

    Nice wording used in this stanza. I loved it.

    ^^^^

    I know him, his life-
    giving out meaning to the world
    through the darkness
    which resides in his eyes.

    Nice stanza. I suggest you omit "which" and replace "resides" with "residing", just to be parallel with the word "giving" in the 2nd stanza.

    ^^^^

    I know his story
    one he didn't emote
    through his sand of art
    but which his fate crafted for him.

    Here you have to end the 1st line with a comma. The 3rd line, I think, should be "through his art of sand" if I'm not mistaken. Great stanza.

    ^^^^

    I know his melancholy-
    about his defected lens
    which killed his vision
    but still gifted him hope.

    This is really sorrowful and heart taking stanza. It includes the heart of your poem.

    ^^^^

    I know the hope he had
    to be blessed with donated eyes
    so he could see the colors in his artistry too
    though it is painted with the pale hues of sand.

    "he had" I prefer "he has" and thus the 3rd line "he could" to be "he can". It's up to you.
    This is also sad stanza.

    ^^^^

    And I know his fate
    which didn't got a chance
    to be granted an organ
    to live with.

    "didn't got" grammatically should read "didn't get".
    This stanza reveals how important you insist to help the referred person, as a main target of your poem.

    ^^^^

    And so, I know this sand artist
    who still... might be... wishes a destiny of despair
    to eye the sketches of his skill
    but unfortunately, just feels it.

    "wishes" maybe you mean "wishing" because you have "might be" before, so you may mean "might be wishing".
    Also, as a consequence, "feels" should read "feeling".

    --------------------

    Overall:
    This poem, no way, should be nominated in all measures, 1st on the basis of topic and 2nd on the basis of beauty of the poem.
    Thank you for sharing it with us. You are always brilliant.

  • 11 years ago

    by Darren

    Not sure I can follow Khalids comments. So I will just say, nice piece well done Amreen.

  • 11 years ago

    by Michael D Nalley

    You indeed a word artist who has placed each well chosen word in the order of the higher power that must have inspired you

    This is beautifu and I would love to see it on any front page

  • 11 years ago

    by Rusheena

    Another amazing poem, Amreen!

  • 11 years ago

    by xXx Eternal PainxXx

    This poem is VERY beautiful and blew me away! and i will donate my organs to science once i die so i know that even tho i will die one day i will make another VERY happy so ithink this poem is the best and i don't know why it isn't one that says "win" for it is POWERFUL and BEAUTIFUL!!! 5/5

    Queen Ashlin

  • 11 years ago

    by Marcy Lewis

    I love this. The flow is wonderful, and the tone is so calming, and it brought tears to my eyes.

    I know him, his life-
    giving out meaning to the world
    through the darkness
    residing in his eyes.

    ^^Beautiful wording. Absolutely beautiful. Says so very much in so little. Vivid words, fantastic attitude.

    Perfect!

  • 11 years ago

    by TSI25

    Very amazing and pertinent message, organ donation, and i loved a lot of the imagery

    "with donated eyes"

    it made me think of how a lot of our perspectives even are passed down from family, friends, and even strangers we meet in our daily lives. this poem really got me thinking, and not just about being an organ donor. definitely a really fantastic poem.

  • 11 years ago

    by BlueJay

    I really like this piece, there is a lot of heart and soul in this extraordinary piece. I love it, i really do. The word choice is wonderful. I love the flow and the voice of this. Great job

  • 11 years ago

    by Colm

    First off, I thought after reading the first stanza that this was going to be a rhyming poem all the way through which made me cringe a little but was glad it turned out otherwise. Usually, I do prefer to see either or (rhyme or not) rather than starting off with rhyme and then not continuing it, but I think it works ok here. The first stanza was well written: I'm not usually a fan of words such as 'beautiful' in poems. It's not very descriptive as so many things are 'beautiful, or 'nice' or 'happy' or 'sad,' these type of words seem lazy sometimes and are telling rather than showing the reader the emotion. But it just about works in this poem due to the way you use it referring to 'speaking stories with his hands' which is quite an unusual and descriptive line.

    When reading this poem, I was reminded of a homeless man I saw a few times sculpting dogs out of sand on the street. He was quite skilled at it and it was sad to see. You portrayed that sense of sadness here in this poem well too, and the reader really feels for the character by during and by the end of the poem.

    I did feel that it dragged a little in the middle and may have been too long: Starting each stanza with the same 'I know' brings a certain expectation that the end is going to be what matters and the middle isn't as important. It also doesn't help keep the reader hooked, repetition of opening lines of a stanza can be hard to do. It started getting somewhat boring for me towards the end, luckily it wasn't much longer, as I think the reader has gotten a lot of what they need to know in the first three or so stanzas. Some stanzas could be removed and not change the poem much: I'm usually an advocate of making each word and phrase important and meaningful.

    The end itself is quite good but doesn't quite live up to the billing I was hoping for. I think there is great potential for a powerful ending and while yours is quite good, I was being picky and hoping for an even stronger closing stanza to do the subject matter and the rest of the poem justice. The second last stanza is probably may favourite and the last stanza found it difficult to top which is testament to its quality. It was the most emotive stanza for me, and I really liked the use of the word 'and' at the start. I was talking above about each word counting, well this is a great example of using a seemingly innocuous word 'and' to have a powerful impact. It changed up the patter of 'I know' at the very start of each stanza and brought back my attention by signalling the coming conclusion. That was certainly a nice touch.

    Not a huge fan of having a message at the bottom of the poem, I think the poem should and does speak for itself and brings across the message well but everyone to their own :)

    Overall, I did quite enjoy the read. Despite a few setbacks, it did make the reader feel for the character and had a relevant message.

  • 11 years ago

    by Robert Gardiner

    Nicely Done Amreen!!!

  • 11 years ago

    by PETER EDWARDS

    Well penned Amreen!
    A poem with a great message inside it.
    I liked this.

  • 11 years ago

    by Autumn Leaves

    Amazing, honestly you are a very special poet. I like how to tell the stories that are meaningful and thoughtful, many poets don't process this rare quality but sweetie you do.

    I love this poem and I am truly speechless, keep penning.

  • 11 years ago

    by Autumn Leaves

    Amazing, honestly you are a very special poet. I like how you tell stories that are meaningful and thoughtful, many poets don't process this rare quality but sweetie you do.

    I love this poem and I am truly speechless, keep penning.

  • 11 years ago

    by Ingrid

    Wow, Amreen..a great story and also a great message to all people at the bottom! I am also a donor and feel all people should do the same. There is a huge shortage of donors here in Holland.

    I know him, his life-
    giving out meaning to the world
    through the darkness
    residing in his eyes.

    ^^
    This was deep and really touching.

    Well done, Raven-girl:)

    5/5 Ingrid

  • 10 years ago

    by CRAFTY KEN

    Excellent work Amreen! It tells a story of despair and hope. It reminds me of my poem "Just an ordinary day", in it is found a beggar who many pass by year by year, in his eyes he seems to say; "Do you really care". Keep up your good work and your love for the poor! Ken

  • 10 years ago

    by The Poet Behind The Poems

    What an amazing piece of writing ,

    The tittle is so unique never heard it , I thougt straight
    Away of a sand artist obviously but never
    Thought you would include blindness ,
    Every word hits home with such rawness
    I can't explain how gd this write is.

    You have such a talent , so creative ...

    In favs and so are you

    Breathtaking