Grandpa, my eyes will never deny how speechless I
was when seeing how pain wrapped itself around your ribs;
I was not afraid of you --- death makes you invisible
but not a derelict part of my memory.
When it was my time to leave, emotion coursed through
me so strong I trembled.... our love needs its voice heard.
Summoning strength from weak muscles,
I let my blue heart breathe out "I love you"
and felt your brimming heart answer me with
"I love you, too."
written for Maple Tree's "emotional moment" site contest
"This is overwhelming. "Pain wrapped itself around your ribs" This really stood out to me because of how uniquely the author states what they are seeing. It's so different than the usual way poets decribe seeing a loved one in pain, and it makes me visulise a frail man almost at the end of his life. What I liked most about this was that from the opening I was expecting it to be the grandpa that passed, but as I read further on it's the author or potentially both? I'm unsure which is correct and that's something I always enjoy as it leaves the reader free to their own interpretation. I'm fond of the use of "blue heart", also something rarely seen and I take this to mean the heart is cold, dying? I was a little disappointed at the ending line. The rest holds so much deoth and power and I found the closing line to be weaker than the rest and not hold as much power, and that let the poem down a little as the rest is strong throughout" ;)
Honestly Maryanne, after reading Larrys comment I found no need to comment on this piece. Because all THREE lines he pointed out to you, were all three I was going to point out as well. Those lines were absolutely beautiful! It amazes me how short poems like these can leave such a huge impact on the reader. It took me back to when my Grandma was passing and got me very teary eyed. No worries, I enjoy poetry that invokes emotion out of me...
You do such an amazing job with challenges girl, this was just unbelievably emotional, yet incredibly powerful with your choice of phrasing.
The consternation felt by this witness is palpable and painful in the sharing. The empathy at grandpa's agony robbed the poet of voice, but did not rob the heart's power to communicate.
I found many phrases here beautiful: "death makes you invisible but not a derelict part of my memory" (although I would have used a colon to introduce it rather than dashes), "our love needs its voice heard" (here, too, a colon would mirror the prior sentence and is inherently stronger than ellipses, "Summoning strength from weak muscles." They more than make up for the cliched "my blue heart."
The final resolution was touching and powerful.