Beau

She had
a deep voice
n a Midwesetern way of talking,
not so much an accent,
but a slowness, a presence,
a feeling of having nowhere to go and, well, just

nowhere to go.

Rough
around the edges
in a town of smooth surfaces
at 90 degree angles.

In sixth grade she brought rum chocolates to school
and we hid in the bushes at lunch
getting drunk on candy
and commonalities.

Later on,
spending twisted twilights
in a trailer on the edge of town
where once
all the candles burned
eight inches tall
when someone said they didn't believe
in ghosts.

It was
her stubborness and simplicity
n' absolute certainty
about the way things were
that first attracted me to her.

No abstract emotions.
No hidden agendas n' motives.
(need segue he)

it was as if her solidity
froze the stormy oceans in me.
We were not in love.
Our souls were resting in each other's company.

Oh, but Honey,
we had some fun times out in the country.

We did trailer trash
with panache
doin' nothin but
drinkin' Sake and smoking hash
while outside
coyotes dined on sheep,
n' everyone else was watching Survivor.

But what I remember most poignantly when I think of her
is the night we walked long out to the country
the buses having long since stopped running.

our footsteps
echoing through
cul de sac after cul de sac
of empty homes full of people.

and
the pick up truck
that slowed down parallel to our own path

man in a cowboy hat
A plaid silhouette
smoking a cigarette
through a thick moustache

eyes ripping us up and down
just in case we hadn't noticed him.

I tried not to look
but I knew he had bonfires in his eyes.

meanwhile I'm trying to hide the fact
that I'm having flashbacks
from every hate crime that I ever read about
and didn't even know I remembered.
n' I prayed for some heavenly queer angel out there
to slip his shift stick back into 2nd gear.

Breathe in
breathe out

don't sweat

he can smell fear.

The truck is two blocks down before I stop

shaking

Tail lights fading around the corner

I look over at Beau
expecting at the very least
a sigh of relief
but nothing registers.

and its then I realize

after moving away from Winnipeg at the age of ten
because her parents started to notice the way people looked at her
and it frightened them

after living in a trailer on the edge of town
when even they abandoned her

After facing a hundred men in cowboy hats
pissed off because they know damn well
she's a better man than they'll ever be

after eighteen years of people
pushing her into roles that she'll never fit
when the hundred-and-first cowboy comes along

she doesn't even notice it.