Silent Screams

Under street lights casting shadows on dark corners
Still soft moonlight illuminating the night sky
Under warm sun rays
Near salty sea air
Along tree-shaded spring flowers
... I feel you.

I drink of you
Warming my veins
... Nourishment to my heart and mind.

I am fully vulnerable to you.

There are also side-effects
Like the crankiness a drug imbues when it has left
... Until another dose.

I love your passion
Your tenderness
Your laughter
Your closeness
... And when it leaves me, I ache.

Many times I simply feel misunderstood
And think that maybe you likewise feel the same.

So I try to be receptive
To every tick, to every pang...

I try to keep myself in check
Or quickly catch myself if I err
... Because I do not want to hurt you.

I just want to relieve the aches
And feel your warmness engulf me again.

I want you to be happy.

I want to understand
... But I feel that I am blocked.

I feel like a microorganism
Under your penetrating lab attired' view.

I can't help feeling rejected
I wish it were not so...
Because the pain it inflicts
... Hurts more than you'll ever know.

I am the sun.
I want to light up the room
... But you quickly yank the curtain shut
Locking me out of your walled chamber.

You don't want anyone there.

You won't let me love you
... Or so it seems.

So I try to stifle my intrusions
And end up stifling my own screams...
Causing them to bust through seams
In desperate and agitated defenses
And "don't judge me's"...

Then I hang my head
Once again a failure.

Once again an evil outcast who is really only confused
... And starving.

Starving for an admiration,
Instead of an accusation.
Starving for an affirmation,
Instead of a causation.
Starving for an open heart,
That won't lock me out sporadically and often...
Starving for understanding,
And the willingness to be understood in return.

I want you back...
Plus the mutual positive growths.

But I wonder if I'll ever get that
If I can ever be healed
If I can ever return healing...

Or if I'll just be tossed
... Like I am nothing to you.