Empty

by Jenni Marie   May 25, 2013


I don't even know what I am writing, only that my thoughts are blocked and hidden right now, like a four leaf clover in a meadow. And sometimes, sometimes, I know what I want to say but I can't find the correct words to express how I am feeling. It's like they're hidden behind an invisible wall that no one can see and only I can feel. I paint a smile so that people think I am okay, that I'm getting better, that I'm making my way through the pain, wouldn't they be surprised to know...I don't feel anything right now.

No thoughts, emotions, feelings. Just empty. Numb. I guess the pills work better than anticipated. And I paint that god forsaken smile, I laugh and I talk about irrelevant things that have no meaning in the grand scheme of things just so that no one questions matters that actually mean something.

Constantly repeating to myself: Why do I act like I am all high and mighty when inside I'm dying, I am finally realising I need help, can't do it myself. And even so...I refuse help, constantly state I am okay and decline offers of comfort and support that are thrown my way by those that are concerned and care about me. It's ironic if you think about it-I know I need these offers and yet I refuse to accept them. And that's what it is like everyday in my mind, a constant battle between myself that I seem to always lose.

I guess I'll keep taking these pills then, and not feel anything. I was about to say wouldn't people be surprised, only now I rephrase into, wouldn't people be happy:

I don't feel a thing.

"Why do I act like I am all high and mighty when inside I'm dying, I am finally realising I need help, can't do it myself." **Taken from Eminem-Going through Changes

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  • 10 years ago

    by Courageous Dreamer

    I don't even know what I am writing, only that my thoughts are blocked and hidden right now, like a four leaf clover in a meadow.
    ^This was an interesting opening. I like the four leaf clover simile, I do feel like they are often hidden, hard to find. However, I see light within this line, I feel as though perhaps this four leaf clover is hope and a better life yet to be seen, yet knowing it's there somewhere. It could also be contradicting because it symbolizes luck, but lately it hasn't been all rainbows and butterflies for you, so with that you may feel like your 'luck' is gone.

    I see you at a very vulnerable state here. It makes sense why you wouldn't want anyone's help...sometimes people tend to make it through their problems on their own, sometimes the thoughts and such of others may not be helpful. Space is often much needed to clear our mind, hopefully soon enough your mind will be clear and everything will make sense. I can only hope you feel better soon!

  • 10 years ago

    by CathyButterflyJC

    Wow, this blew me away and broke my heart!!!! Outstanding poem!!! 100/100

  • 10 years ago

    by Tara Kay

    Oh Jen, this broke my heart...
    I want to tell you that I loved the flow, how smooth it was, how the thoughts were hurried, and how well penned this was...but even though it was...
    I just want to tell you that the words cut through me, that ache in the words, that feeling of numbness, how it feels not to feel anything, how everything comes so quickly, just broke my heart...I hate to think this is how you feel...I feel it too sometimes...but it does pass...and people would not be happy...you are loved!

    Hugs to you...xx

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