Sabotage

by crystaljean88   Jun 18, 2013


All the wrong I do,
Is done for you.
Why I do these things,
Sabotaging my dreams.

The hurt is unexplainable,
I'm nothing but a fool.
Your the one I love,
Sent here, from god above.

I don't mean any harm,
Knowing your my lucky charm.
Were just good friends,
With some situations, it depends.

You don't know, how I truly feel.
Or honestly, the real deal.
Why do I sabotage my life,
Knowing I wont ever be a wife.

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  • 5 years ago

    by Poet on the Piano

    I'm not really sure where you were going with the rhyme scheme here, because you didn't establish it in the first two stanzas, then in the last two stanzas, the first and second line rhymed as well as then the third and fourth with each other. I would work on that to either have this poem be free verse or have internal rhyming....then the flow could be a lot smoother and you wouldn't be as restricted to choose a certain number of words.

    "All the wrong I do,
    Is done for you.
    Why I do these things,
    Sabotaging my dreams."

    - I like how when you open this poem, you kind of give the hint to the reader that it's not your typical love poem, this almost has a sad twist because your dreams are being "sabotaged". And that's a strong, powerful word. All of the sudden, they are not in your control anymore, so what happened to them? Are they lost or did this love take them? Interesting. My only suggestion here would be in the third line to pose it as a real question to emphasis. What I mean is you can write "Why do I do these things?" and the flow could still be there because "sabotaging" has a longer syllable count. So it's not "Why I do" and then not explaining in the line, but it's showing more frustration.

    "The hurt is unexplainable,
    I'm nothing but a fool.
    Your the one I love,
    Sent here, from god above."

    - You definitely make the pain and shame you feel very evident here....kind of that push and pull relationship where you still love this person and view him/her as heavensent, yet are tormented by him/her, maybe falling for him/her too soon and being naive. In my opinion, the last line doesn't do anything for the reader in terms of what you want to share and what emotion you want to release. It just seems too cliche; I think the "from god above" part is obvious, so we would understand you believe this person is heavensent without stating it so directly. Be a bit creative, this is your poem.

    "I don't mean any harm,
    Knowing your my lucky charm.
    Were just good friends,
    With some situations, it depends."

    - Good first line with making me now feeling how innocent you are, careful not to cause others any pain, but you are sometimes the victim. Victim how? We don't know. Watch out for the "your" again; the lucky charm part was cute and made me think you aren't doing what's best for you, or just thinking you can't be everything you can be without him/her and his/her charm/luck. "Were" should be "We're". Nothing seems permanent, like your trust is off and on also.

    "You don't know, how I truly feel.
    Or honestly, the real deal.
    Why do I sabotage my life,
    Knowing I wont ever be a wife.

    - The comma isn't needed in the first line. To me, it reads better all together. You can also add a question mark after the first line to highlight that uncertainty more. "wont" should be "won't". The last line struck me with a bit of sadness and I liked the tone you ended it on, pondering where this will go because you know in your heart it could not turn into a marriage.

    Simple grammar mistakes I would be more careful about and take the time to fix....also, working on the flow is important but otherwise, you got a lot of emotion across as I read this story that had me wondering about these two characters, and the state of happiness since you are setting aside what you want for this character. Good write, keep writing!

  • 5 years ago

    by L

    A rocky flow, but the emotion comes afloat.

    On this line:

    Were just good friends

    ^ I think it will read better as We're. :)

  • 5 years ago

    by L

    A rocky flow, but the emotion comes afloat.

    On this line:

    Were just good friends

    ^ I think it will read better as We're. :)

  • 5 years ago

    by ThebutterfliesMuse

    This poem was good I loved the emotion and passion. Just one thing though the flow seemed a little off in spots because of the rhyming. I would love to see no rhyming or all rhyming. But overall good 4/5

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