Comments : Allergen

  • 10 years ago

    by Tara Kay

    I didn't have any idea that this was yours Chelsey. This was one piece that I couldn't work out who had written it. You did a good job with the prompt, although I felt it was a little bit rushed in places and the flow wasn't as smooth as I am used to from you, but still, I loved the analogy and word uses, and the title and metaphor too.

    You took off like pollen in May
    and as I tried chasing you, there
    was no slowing down your speed.

    ^^I loved the opening, it felt so gentle, almost whisper like, yet in contrast with the wording, as you were talking about someone leaving you, running away fast, and you can't catch up with them...which I thought was really interesting, the way you managed to get that across in such a gentle way. If that makes sense.

    Left with watery eyes, my knees
    hit the rocky trail you traveled
    down and scuffed skin now
    spell your name.

    ^^This is the stanza that threw me off course, because the opening was so well penned, and then here, with the misspelling of travelled (it has two l's), and then the last part, I feel it should read "spells your name"...

    Your feet were once painted with
    leadership and I followed where
    your prints led, but this time...youve
    left no tracks.

    ^^Psst, You forgot the apostrophe in you've...
    I love the use of painted, how clever, that he always lead you to him, and left footprints for you to follow but now, there are none, and you don't know where he's gone, you can't follow him this time.

    (Did you add that stanza after the challenge ended?)

    Why'd you choose wind to cloak
    your escape? My love, my world,
    retrace your steps back to me...

    ^^This is soo beautiful, the tone of almost begging, but gentle and kind of coazing him back.

    so I can clasp you with my iron fist
    and prevent you from running-
    again.

    ^^The ending here was absolutely breathtaking, I love "iron fist", shows power and strength in yourself, like if he returned, you'd be strong not to let him go, you wouldn't release him from you.

    I did enjoy this piece, there were some amazing parts that stood out, and even though the flow wasn't perfect, (and I put that down to the errors), it was very nicely penned and expressed.

    xx

    • 10 years ago

      by Chelsey

      LOL Tara you are so funny!....

      1. This poem was rushed, I wrote it at work and also on my phone! didnt double check any errors yet so thanks.

      2. I have put 'spells' and 'spell' at least 5 times and could NOT figure out which one sounded better lol.

      3. I put that stanza in there because i didnt like the stanza I had for the challenge.

      Thanks again...I have to stop submitting stuff on my phone.

  • 10 years ago

    by Hannah Lizette

    When I read this for the challenge, my mouth dropped at the creativity! I really love this metaphor, it's so unique! You are always so good with thinking of awesome metaphors, so I should have known this was yours!

    I've tried to find the words to really tell you how much I love this poem, but I can't. :/ so forgive me for a crappy comment!

    "scuffed skin now spells your name."

    --LOVELOVELOVE this, it showcases the pain you feel of losing this person.