It was three o'clock on a low-key afternoon
of a windless winter day, the serene sun had
gone hiding, seemingly screened by a swath
of swollen clouds. Even the sparrows from
our front and side porches were noticeably
quiet, and Mama was nowhere to be seen.
Days like that, I would often seek comfort;
beneath the dancing oak trees , wherein our
backyard hammock was strung up in between,
while I, a bit groggy perhaps
from lack of sleep or,
Now, I've been told,
I've grown up way too fast,
and that I've been hard to reach...
And here, I wonder if they ever noticed,
our backyard trees are no longer
*Written for FOP Challenge [Thanks, Britt] - [Atlas Of Wander]
A few things to point out that I noticed before I forget them
Firstly, I don't really like the use of the word 'seemingly.' This is because everything up to then, all the descriptions, had been definite and concrete. The assured tone at the start is disrupted by 'seemingly,' I think it'd be better if it was left out.
Also, there is a typo in this line -
'Days like that, I would often sought comfort;'
It should be I would often seek comfort' or simply 'I often sought comfort'
'while I, a bit groggy perhaps
from lack of sleep or,
This just doesn't read right to me in a way: if a sentence starts with 'while I' it kind of has to end, e.g. 'while I went walking in the park today, I saw a bird.' Your sentence in this stanza reads a bit like 'While I went walking.' The full stop shouldn't be there really it isn't a sentence by itself. That's how I read it anyway, its an easy thing to fix.
There are lots of positives to this poem too and sorry I'm not focusing on them more, because it is a decent write and a good effort with the challenge. I like the ending, which is almost chilling and certainly melancholic and effecting. The poem also starts well and has good descriptions throughout, e.g. the hammock in the sun. The second stanza is probably my favourite: for the imagery and the nice flow. Nice read!
5 years ago
Interesting how easily we find comfort in the quiet when we want to be alone... and yet that sometimes that loneliness can overtake us. That's the feeling I got with your ending about no one noticing the trees have died.
I tried to nominate this and already used my votes :( Boo.
I love the play with words you have in the first stanza. It's packed with adjectives, so descriptive and specific, and then the play with alliteration throughout. I tried to read it too quickly and those devices made me slow down my pacing. :) I really, really enjoyed this!