Comments : Leftover Fragments

  • 4 years ago

    by Baby Rainbow

    Have you wondered
    what a broken memory
    feels like? It's like a
    silent morning with no
    sun to draw the lines
    of the horizon. It's like
    a broken compass that
    leads to absolutely no
    where..

    ..It's like remembering you!

    - really love this opening because I could relate straight away to having a memory which is not complete, to only remember half of it, or bits of it, or seem to forget the most important parts. You described the situation so well with those metaphors and then to end the stanza with adding this person in was excellent. Cutting to the chase that this poem is aimed at someone!

    Piece by piece I am still
    collecting the image we
    once shared before, or
    perhaps the picture you
    drew for us, but I was too
    young to understand or
    even too close to see the
    world through your eyes.

    - I get the impression here the pain or betrayal was from when this person was younger, maybe she thought the world of the other person and could not see any flaws because young hearts believe what they want to and can easily ignore what they don't like. I love the way you have painted this picture but from two different sets of eyes, it is like there are 2 sides to every story.

    But you always did, and
    still do. You kept me safe
    from things I never knew,
    and I grew up in front of your
    eyes but you were always
    the silence surrounding me.

    - growing up in front of them, makes me think this person was a relative, perhaps a parent or a sibling etc? At the time you saw one thing but now you look back you realise there was more to it and you begin to see the picture a bit differently.

    I still see your childlike smile
    in between the seriousness
    of your voice and the lingering
    bitterness you feel within.
    So I am keeping the fragments
    of what I used to know, of what
    you decided to leave behind,
    because one day you will ask
    me to remind you of the old
    picture you painted us both in.

    - this ending really touched me, I feel it is about a sibling relationship and they have maybe moved on and left you behind, perhaps they have changed in a way you don't approve of. This ending actually made me think of my brother, going down a self destruct road but thinking one day he will come back to try and make things the way the were, to be reminded of the picture that used to be.

    I thought this poem was quite deep, and I related it to my own situation which made it even more powerful for me.

    Nicely done Meme xx

    • 4 years ago

      by Meme

      Thanks a lot Saff, this poem means a lot to me!

  • 4 years ago

    by Black pearl

    Have you ever (there should be ever to add more emphasis)wondered
    what a broken memory
    feels like?
    It's like a
    silent morning with no
    sun to draw the lines
    of the horizon.
    Moreover(transition required here, because u are telling more about your idea), It's like
    a broken compass that
    leads to absolutely no
    where.(just a period is sufficient)

    Therefore(transition again,because this time it's your conclusion), It's like remembering you.

    Piece by piece, I am still
    collecting the image we
    once shared(omit before because once shared already means past), or
    perhaps the picture you
    drew for us.(period)
    But I was too
    young to understand,(comma) or
    even too close to see the
    world through your eyes.

    But you always did(no comma,sentence is very short) and
    still do.
    You kept me safe
    from things, I never knew.
    And I grew up in front of your
    eyes,(comma) but you were always
    the silence surrounding me.

    I can still see your childlike smile
    in between the seriousness
    of your voice and the lingering
    bitterness you feel within.
    So, I am keeping the fragments:
    of what,(comma) I used to know and of what, (comma)
    you decided to leave behind.(period)
    Because one day,(comma) you will ask
    me to remind you of the old
    picture you painted us both in.

    Rest, your poem is perfect.

  • 4 years ago

    by Hellon

    I like how you have started this of with a question. I detect sadness and perhaps a little bitterness just in this line alone.

    I can relate to most of your words because I felt the same way about my older brother who always looked out for me but eventually when off track and the feeling of abandonment was just how you have described it here. You have memories that are now fading and some mementos that you still treasure....I have them too.

    I really enjoyed this one...yes, it was sad but it was also very real...to me at least.

    • 4 years ago

      by Meme

      Always appreciate your comments hon, thanks a lot :)

  • 4 years ago

    by kavitha jesson

    Wow...wow....superb...

  • 4 years ago

    by Amreen

    Congrats on the Win sweets... Well deserved:)

    • 4 years ago

      by Meme

      Never thought this could win, but thanks a lot. It really made my day :)

  • 3 years ago

    by Prasad Ramesh Baadkar

    Splendidly done

    Can b related to time, father, brother , friend and a journey from past to present, from tenderness to maturity. Really ua poetry v matured oer d years.... Keep it up... Gud win.