Comments : Deprivation

  • 4 years ago

    by Hellon

    I'm going to bring this up on the main boards just because it's something I don't thing is right and...I have said so in the past..at the moment this poem is sitting with not one comment on it and yet it is a winner? I'm not saying it shouldn't be here on the front page and...I hope my comment will clarify that..I have always said...if you nominate a poem...tell us why you did so...you should not be just allowed to willy nilly nominate IMO...nothing to do with the judges here...Sh** half of this was probably meant for the main boards which means...you have probably got the longest comment from me in history :)

    they slither, and they hiss
    like talking serpents , as they pass
    through those discarded streets]

    ^^

    I like this opening..it's quite dark and leaves the reader wondering where your going. The fact that you use the word those leads me to believe you are not near this person?

    his head's a sanctuary of sounds,
    where he would hear his father
    sing him to sleep
    ^^
    This person has moved away perhaps but still goes back to his roots from time to time?

    [they drift, and they hover
    like cigarette smoke would
    inside that shady space]^

    ^^^^

    Now I'm thinking drugs for some reason...don't know why?

    his heart's an ocean, and
    women are like waves; reflecting,
    and refracting along the shoreline of his life

    [if only I could stop the sky
    from raining,

    the sky,
    from raining]

    ^^^

    This really got to me because you repeat it so..obviously it means a lot to you

    There is a big space here for some reason that I can't fix so...I'm calling it an interlude...time for a bathroom visit :)

    then, no night would be too long,
    but, well, he's drunk and stoned
    and he's traveling solo

    ^^^

    Seems like I was right but...you know...I'm not sure of his age but, I figure a lot of people experience this in their twenties..

    [will someone sadder,
    please, tell him,
    please]

    his skin's a collage of
    despondency; a patchwork of
    a midday muse.

    No one will tell him because...he just won't listen for now is my guess :)

  • 4 years ago

    by Poet on the Piano

    Amazing emotion in this and I find it original as well in addressing the topic of addiction.
    You almost had this echo throughout your piece which moved me.

    I feel like near the ending lines you have this trace of sadness, because this man is stuck in this self-destructive cycle. He can't truly be free from it yet no matter how many times you try to sway him, or show concern. So many thoughts while reading this, and that's what interested me most about this poem, is that you have many elemenets to ponder here about this man and his sad story.

    Congrats on the win!

  • 4 years ago

    by Meena Krish

    The beginning starts with a mystery atmosphere as the reader wonders what this might lead to. Each stanza stands out on its own with heart capturing images weaved with pain.

    When one is caught in a web of addiction, no matter who tries to help/tell it just does not sink into that person and the desperation of it is felt in this write..well done.

    Congrats on the win!

  • 4 years ago

    by Justanothertwit

    [they slither, and they hiss
    like talking serpents , as they pass
    through those discarded streets]

    his head's a sanctuary of sounds,
    where he would hear his father
    sing him to sleep

    ^ I'm not sure why, but this drew a very visual image in my mind of a man possessed by a demon(s) and they are guiding and whispering daunting things in his mind and trying to push him further away from a firm grasp on reality. ...I feel kind of silly for saying this, but I'm going to anyway, there is a very small punctuation error at the comma in "talking serpents , as they pass". I know in poetry that punctuation is optional and can be used anyway the author feels necessary, but I just wanted to point it out (:

    [they drift, and they hover
    like cigarette smoke would
    inside that shady space]

    ^ I really appreciate the creativity in this stanza. And also, the idea of the words in brackets is great. I feel like they are narrative thoughts on the situation?

    his heart's an ocean, and
    women are like waves; reflecting,
    and refracting along the shoreline of his life

    [if only I could stop the sky
    from raining,

    the sky,
    from raining]

    ^As I continue reading I feel like I'm starting to wonder if each stanza is about a different person with a different addiction (as you mentioned that this is for people suffering life changing addictions) but at the same time, I feel like this is the same person dealing with the same struggle and each stanza is a different perspective on his struggles.

    then, no night would be too long,
    but, well, he's drunk and stoned
    and he's traveling solo

    [will someone sadder,
    please, tell him,
    please]

    ^There is so much sadness here, to think about the reality of this. I can relate here, as I know people (have people close to me) that struggle with addictions and don't seem to see or understand where there lives have gone. And when it's mentioned or people try to help, they can't seem to see (or admit) that they have a problem and think they don't need help, so no action is taken. It's such a sad thing to see people go through.

    his skin's a collage of
    despondency; a patchwork of
    a midday muse.

    ^ Interesting, this feels like the perfect ending to tie together this heartbreaking poem. The way you approached this topic is very poetic and seems to have a clarity to it, even if I am misunderstand the meaning you had behind it, I feel like everyone can see it in a different light.

    Congrats on the win on this wonderfully written poem, it's much deserved (:

  • 4 years ago

    by Jenni Marie

    Judging comment:

    I enjoyed this poem as it's full of metaphors, starting from the talking serpents in the first stanza to the sanctuary of sounds in the second, to evoke the sweet figure of a father singing him to sleep. The repetition of the raining sky is a way to strengthen the feelings and it creates a really nice visual effect, as all the three stanzas inside the brackets do, the last two ones especially, which I have found to be really emotional, as they escalate into something stronger and stronger, as each of the additions keep lengthening the darkness and the loneliness that night represents. This is a very touching and emotional poem, well done.