Comments : Blackened

  • 10 years ago

    by Beautiful Soul

    Wow. This poem is very powerful. I loved the shortness of it but being short it must hold a strong message and this does no doubt. I loved the use of heart. And I loved the repeat of beating. It was like your was beating. The ending is so very powerful. It holds a great message standing out on its own i feel. You are full of hope and now it seems to be fading. Overall the wording is strong and i wpuld change nothing. Well done!.

  • 10 years ago

    by Colm

    I think this has potential and I see what you are doing with the short lines, but I think they may be almost a little too short. One-line words like here fragment the poem a little too much in my opinion, and it becomes more about reading the poem than reading what is in it. (hope that makes sense). So with just a little punctuation and structure reshuffling, I think this can be improved and work better. Something like this might help it flow a little better:

    I am not
    a miracle. My bloody heart
    pounds in rhythm
    to beating voices,
    beating,
    beating,
    beating
    on my percussion ribcage.

    Sympathy bites like shrapnel.

    I am not the odds -
    my tongue chokes
    itself on bright futures
    and black lies as I
    nod,
    nod,
    nod.

    Hope is not
    a Dove.

    It is a Beast.

    ^^
    Just changed things around a little but to me it's already a little improved. I'd advise you to play around with it because I think it is a pity to have a decent poem falling down on something easily changed like punctuation.

    • 10 years ago

      by Skyfire

      Hmmm- I like the way you've suggested reorganizing some of the lines, but I'm not keen on all the punctuation. For me, that seems to interrupt flow, not increase it. Agree to disagree?

  • 10 years ago

    by BlueJay

    One of the things that stands out to me the most with this piece is the rhythm, you did a wonderful job there, though I agree that the last stanza could be styled differently for a better flow or more impact/emphasis on what seems to be the most important point of the piece, Hope is a beast. (quoting you more or less)

    There really is no true critique I can give except what has been mentioned, but all in all otherwise the piece is strong and well penned. You get a point across and you described it in a very interesting way.

    There is a lot of strength and power here, also a unique tone and voice pairing (at least to me) that made the whole thing pop just a little more.

    Nice job,

    Great write.