A Standing Heart

Walking in, shoulders hunched,
head facing the ground,
I searched the air for whispers
of your presence.

The candles were extinguished,
the choir exited without further music,
and a cool darkness swept over this
church where we give praise.

I waited, for hours,
teaching myself how to breathe again
in slow, steady breaths.
Why did I come to you before
without trying?
Without repenting?
I had let the motions take me under
as each Sunday became more shameful
and less hopeful.

Tonight, I closed my eyes,
blocking out all others restlessly
waiting before me.
And when you called me through
that door, I was acknowledged as
cherished by you.

I took my time, I spoke the truth
of my stained heart, I opened up
and was listened to.
Telling the most serious thoughts
on my mind was terrifying,
but I could not keep acting like
I was unaffected by life.
I needed to start making peace.
Concern filled the room and I could
finally utter reasons why I've done
what I've done... why I feel I can't
come to you so broken.
And it was in acknowledging those
broken parts we all have within us,
that made the difference.

You cleansed me.

Easter had been heavy on my mind
yet now I know I can embrace you,
truly rejoice that I can reach out,
that you are my heavenly father
no matter what words have scarred
me from earthly matter.

I pulled out into the night,
releasing the burdens,
letting the tears twist and dance
out of the barriers of my heart.

We are never truly alone
on this earth, are we God?

-
Written 4/18/14
This past year I've tried to be a lot more honest in my poetry.... I felt very moved by a powerful moment, I had to write those emotions and reactions out.